i’ve noticed something odd with my referrer stats… someone (i have no idea who) reads http://www.hardocp.com/, then reads my diary….. this disturbs me somewhat.. its happened a few times.. oh, and there was another really odd referrer… i won’t explain, but whoever “My Treasure” is.. hiya 🙂
i’ll take a moment for some more (badly done) blatant self-promotion: join my listy thing. it’s not a notify list as such, just some odd thoughts, occasional extra entries, and potentially, eventually, a discussion group. so join it. stalk me some more.. whee! also, i don’t mind if you mail me with comments, questions, suggestions, babble, whatever, about what i write here. i don’t bite.
ok, i’ve sold my soul enough. (i’m not that much of a hit slut)
speaking of “selling one’s soul”.. i’ve plunged into that “holy fuck, i’m 26 this year, wtf am i doing with my life” crisis, at full speed. Mach 5, even. i woke up from a disturbing dream.. and it took a while to wake up actually.. and then we went out filming again.. and while the guys were filming, i was talking to Lou about artbeat and what.. art, life, writing, business, the dreams i had for myself in high school (and how different my life is to those dreams), and how all those things fit together, or, rather, don’t fit together…. and it just depressed me. i can feel that i’m somewhere in the right arena, but i haven’t quite found the right stage. and life is a stage… you play out the role you’ve been given this time, then go wait for the next role to come along.. ‘s a very simple explanation of reincarnation and what, but it fits…
another odd thing that goes with the “i’m getting old” crisis… i’ve been getting maternal lately… its FREAKY. no no.. don’t get the wrong idea.. i don’t want my own kids.. i want existing ones.. i’m really starting to worry about a few people, and i guess i can see that if i can get them out of the situation they are in, they’d really benefit from it. its frustrating… i’ve never EVER been maternal in my life.. and this is something that i’ve never felt before.. its so strange to me.. the people i’m talking about probably know who they are, and that’s scary, ’cause it means i’m opening up to them as i write this.. but at the moment.. i’m too far away to really help in any real way…
i’m also getting itchy feet….. as much as i love living here, i’m getting the urge to travel, live elsewhere for a few years.. get away from my family who have that ‘don’t give a fuck, she’s just odd’ attitude, and away from my friends who are too caught up in their own little worlds to give a damn what i do. closer to finding myself. why is it that i think ‘myself’ is far away from here? why do i have to go find it? its here already.. somewhere… i know it is.. it has to be. as i said to Felix, i’m still reconciling my my self-knowledge, and my public image. hell, i’m still working out what i am. i’m still struggling with the fact that i know the people who love me, love me for what they think i should be. not for who i am. or for what i want to be. and that hurts. a lot.
i just noticed something about my writing.. my sentences get shorter when i’m upset, or angry.. and i use less “..” it’s more direct, it’s simplified, sharper, defining.
argh, i’m analysing everything too much again. it’s a real virgo day. it’s a “Rammstein followed by Radiohead” day….