Hanging lifeless vagrant lovelorn
dreaming wishing hoping fawning crying
.regret.
if
ONLY I had known then…
but that is how it goes I spose.
but then I can’t really say that I even know now –
the story is missing some pages.
if
ONLY I knew now…
because I would have, I could have, I should have,
I didn’t.
Stupid, Careless, Fearful, and the list goes on . …
relentless repetition of the action of denial.
sunlit warmth
The sunlight flooded her psyche, warming her, reminding her that warmth and love are still possible in this lifetime, instead of reminding her of how cold some parts of her soul were. At this moment she is full of the possibilities and warmth and kindness that floods her life.
paradox
Aching
longing for things to change
Yet a paradox presents itself…
can I fear that which I yearn for?
The intent,
The descent
prevents me from
continuing along this path
of complete and compromising change.
bright sight
laughing,
whole fights,
night lights
on
so I
can
Sleep
Soundly
leaving
the
night life,
avoiding the
bright sight
lying to myself
Lingering listlessly
longingly lounging
lying to myself
‘I don’t need it anymore’
Cinderella’s done her bit
Rapunzel’s had her say.
go go girls
Dream me
See me
Standing before you
Feel the presence
Sense the essence
Add to the ambivalence
Lights Camera Action
It’s all go go go
go go girls are going
going to grab your attention
That’s not for the likes of me.
(actual date unknown – approx Feb 1998)
Change my skin
Change my skin,
Till I fit in
You might have guessed
I don’t have much time for small talk
Where do I begin?
Start at the start
well, right from the start I felt I couldn’t,
or perhaps I shouldn’t…
the ring
No sighting of life
to bring me rushing back
No loving of vice
to lure me to crawl back
I left. Simply left. to endure,
recover, re-build, re-enter the ring.
At least I lived to fight another day.
drowning
A profound sense of betrayal blackens the central core of my being…
feeling like a square peg in a round hole
The hole is too big, and my corners touch the edges in a
tantalising, but unfulfilled promise, but as the space around me
fills with the tears I have not allowed myself to cry,
I am drowning…
The pressure on my chest will not allow me to breath deeply enough
to fill my lungs with air…
Each tear drops, in slow motion, with a thunderous splash it drops
on my chest, crushing my ribs and my resolve with its
leaden weight…
The light burning my eyelids is too weak to warm my soul, which is cold
and untouched, as I flounder, spiralling downwards out of control
in the emotional glider ride of my life…
The brick walls of my own construction prevent and protect…
Terrible intention
Terrible intention
Inference of Power
Portrayal of Fictitiousness
Failure of Succession
Subtlety of Action
Ambivalent to Temptation
Terrifying Letdown…
Distant places
Distant places
Fresh fields
Blue-grey clouds
Pale Grey Light
energising
charging
forceful
the pinky-grey light
supplies a
forceful charge
(OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NOISE!)
The sweet fresh smell of rain
the cleansing storm
the vital storm
cyclical behaviour of human emotions
everything falling
failing closely
closet dreaming
feeling falsely
loosely wanting
redemption
salvation
creation
beginning again
(the cyclical behaviour of
human emotions.)
hapless
listlessly augmenting myself
averaging exceptionally
lifelong rejection of hopeless dreams
wanting penalties for absent lovers
having ravaging screams of hapless hope.
(actual date unknown – approx Nov 1997)
narrative part 2
Expectation
Demand
Atrophy
Control
Absence
Existence
Wonder
Feeling
Trying
Caring
Being
expectations
Antagonism and infidelity
the ‘rite’ path
exacerbating intelligence
and thought provoking muse
I have a need to clarify
to outline
to progress
to digest
the need for a paragon of virtues?
expectations
Affiliations
Reactions
Actions
Loss
Affections
A true princess
I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess.
Fear and Trepidation
resurrection of ideals
influence of thought
abjection of need
quality of supply
antithesis of production
inkling of reality
feeling of entanglement
inclusion of atrophy