Hanging     lifeless     vagrant     lovelorn
dreaming     wishing     hoping     fawning     crying
 
 
 
 
.regret.
 
 
     if
ONLY     I had known then…
 
 
but that is how it goes I spose.
 
 
but then I can’t really say that I even know now –
the story is missing some pages.
 
 
 
     if
ONLY     I knew now…
because I would have,     I could have,     I should have,
 
I didn’t.
 
 
 
Stupid,     Careless,     Fearful,     and the list goes on . …
 
relentless repetition of the action of denial.

The sunlight flooded her psyche, warming her, reminding her that warmth and love are still possible in this lifetime, instead of reminding her of how cold some parts of her soul were. At this moment she is full of the possibilities and warmth and kindness that floods her life.

Light
Life
Hope

Wish
Dream

Crazy
King
Jester

Aching
     longing for things to change
Yet a paradox presents itself…
     can I fear that which I yearn for?
 
The intent,
The descent
          prevents me from
          continuing along this path
of complete and compromising change.

laughing,
whole fights,
night lights
on
so I
can
Sleep
Soundly
leaving
the
night life,
avoiding the
bright sight

                  Lingering listlessly
                  longingly lounging
                  lying to myself
                  ‘I don’t need it anymore’
 
 
 
 
 
 
Cinderella’s done her bit
Rapunzel’s had her say.

Dream me
See me
Standing before you

Feel the presence
Sense the essence
Add to the ambivalence

Lights Camera Action
It’s all go go go
go go girls are going
going to grab your attention

That’s not for the likes of me.

(actual date unknown – approx Feb 1998)

Change my skin,
 Till I fit in
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
You might have guessed
I don’t have much time for small talk
 
 
 
            Where do I begin?
            Start at the start
            well, right from the start I felt I couldn’t,
            or perhaps I shouldn’t…

No sighting of life
to bring me rushing back
No loving of vice
to lure me to crawl back
 
I left. Simply left. to endure,
    recover, re-build, re-enter the ring.
 
At least I lived to fight another day.

A profound sense of betrayal blackens the central core of my being…
 
 
 
 
feeling like a square peg in a round hole
 
 
 
The hole is too big, and my corners touch the edges in a
      tantalising, but unfulfilled promise, but as the space around me
      fills with the tears I have not allowed myself to cry,
                        I am drowning…
 
The pressure on my chest will not allow me to breath deeply enough
      to fill my lungs with air…
 
Each tear drops, in slow motion, with a thunderous splash it drops
      on my chest, crushing my ribs and my resolve with its
                        leaden weight…
 
The light burning my eyelids is too weak to warm my soul, which is cold
      and untouched, as I flounder, spiralling downwards out of control
in the emotional glider ride of my life…
 
 
The brick walls of my own construction prevent and protect…
 

Terrible intention
Inference of Power
Portrayal of Fictitiousness
Failure of Succession
Subtlety of Action
Ambivalent to Temptation

Terrifying Letdown…

Distant places
Fresh fields
Blue-grey clouds
Pale Grey Light
 
energising
charging
forceful
     the pinky-grey light
supplies a
                    forceful charge
 
 
 
 
(OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NOISE!)
 
 
 
The sweet fresh smell of rain
the cleansing storm
the vital storm

LOVE
ATTENTION
INTENTION
EXEMPTION
REDEMPTION

everything falling
failing closely
closet dreaming
feeling falsely
loosely wanting

redemption
   salvation
      creation
         beginning again

(the cyclical behaviour of
human emotions.)

listlessly augmenting myself
averaging exceptionally
lifelong rejection of hopeless dreams
wanting penalties for absent lovers
having ravaging screams of hapless hope.

(actual date unknown – approx Nov 1997)

Expectation
Demand
Atrophy
Control
Absence
Existence
Wonder
Feeling
Trying
Caring
Being

existence
insistence
persistence
 
need
greed
feed
 
absolute
resolute
desolate

Antagonism and infidelity
the ‘rite’ path
exacerbating intelligence
and thought provoking muse
 
I have a need to clarify
to outline
to progress
to digest
the need for a paragon of virtues?
 
 
expectations
 
Affiliations
Reactions
Actions
Loss
Affections

I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess. I cannot be a true princess. I refuse to be a true princess. I will not allow myself to be a true princess. I will not be your true princess. You made me into a true princess. I refused to be a true princess. I could not be a true princess. I became your true princess. I was a true princess.

resurrection of ideals
influence of thought
abjection of need
quality of supply
antithesis of production
inkling of reality
feeling of entanglement
inclusion of atrophy