ooh, a black page..
yes. black.
Happy Birthday, J..
i’m in the worst mood possible. i’m grumpy. i’m irritable. i feel like throwing rocks at people. i feel like hiding nuclear weapons under penguins.
cue Fight Club “I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn’t screw to save its species.”
and what’s more.. i’m HAPPY about being in such a bad mood. i want to be grumpy. i want to spend this day in the most miserable mood, locked in my office, far, far away from the rest of the world. metaphorically, literally, emotionally, and philosophically. is that so wrong?
frankly, i don’t care. my heart is making every bone, every muscle, every fragment of tissue in my body ache. and right now, today, i need to feel that. i remember reading something somewhere, about how ‘the pain makes you realise that you’re alive’. i can’t think of a response to that statement. i just recognised it. hell, i can’t even remember if that was in someone’s journal, or some work of fiction. everything is melding into one. they’re all just words. some of them hit home, and some of them 747 past you. that’s all i know. that’s all i realise.
sad, really. when all you can notice is the pain, and the sea of words floating around in your head.
princess started trying to cheer me up before, i growled at him, he gave me a sarcastic “well sooorrryy.” and walked away. then came back 20 min later and asked what was wrong.. all i could say (without bursting into tears) was “it’s J’s birthday.. just let me be miserable and grumpy.. i’m enjoying it.”… i’m not sure princess understands..
bit of bad luck that.. i’m in no mood to explain it to him.
“I have a tendency to jump into things, especially relationship or infatuation things…When I meet someone new that I absolutely must have, without realizing the import of the matter, or the fact that I’m leaving town within a month…or the fact that I really know that jumping into something might leave me exposed or naked to hurt…I just jump. I make the proverbial leap of faith because it’s something where the risks are not so great that they justify their promised reward.”
-dnial
i hear ya, d..
i want to jump.. hell, i almost have, already.. it’s like i said on that drawing at the tub..
“i think i’m standing on the edge of reality, not sure if i’m at the bottom, still falling, or waiting for someone to push me in.”
all i need is a hint.. and i might be able to work it out. i kind of got one the other day.. it wasn’t much, but it was recognition of.. of.. something.. but it just confused me a little bit more.
hmm.. cryptic, ja?
right, well, if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to go get drunk.
later..