critical mass [a collection of snippets from the last few days]

*from M’s ICQ info: “Nothing is static. Everything is falling apart.”

*from a song I saw on TV (didn’t catch the name or artist): “Forget Everything And Remember, For Everything A Reason”

Thursday, 11th January, 2002, 09.00AM
Spent the last few days at the Palace, helping the guys clean and set up their living space.. the Palace, is a building in mid-renovation, which Clay and Andrew are moving into. that’s about enough about them, what about me?

I’m in limbo.. I want to change things that aren’t working for me, have a few options, but all of them have their specific minor/major problems attached..

Financially, I can’t afford to keep paying out what I’m paying in bills – I need to find a way to cut my overheads down. Our lease here expired on the 7th, and the real estate agent hasn’t sent out the renewal forms, even though she said she’d send them before Christmas. We said that we’d stay here, but get a third person to move in, however, we haven’t found anyone as yet. Everyone that I know is either happy where they are, or about to move with friends. So, to find someone, we have to advertise, which will take time, and I need to cut expenses now. The only other option is to move out. If I move with princess, I still have princess-problems. If I move out on my own, I have to find someone to live with. If I move into the Palace, I can’t take the cat with me, and I have to find someone to take her, and I lose my baby. The Palace has other problems associated with it.. it’s not a stable environment. We may not be able to stay there for more than a few months. However, moving in there for a few months may be all I need to sort things out financially.

I’m seriously considering the Palace though. No rent, no bills except for phone and my cell phone (though I’d probably offer something to cover electricity). The other negative point about it, is that the space isn’t completely our own (though our area can be completely locked off), I’d have to find someone to take the cat, and it would also mean that princess is left out in the cold, having to find somewhere to move to, or two people to move in, not just one.. he doesn’t want to move, because the house is in a convenient area for him – he can walk to college. While that’s great for him, the house is inconveniently expensive for me, and while it’s a great area, facilities-wise, we’ve been broken into once, and I have no real need to live here, as opposed to anywhere else.

I dunno, I’ll work it out.. It’s not the end of the world.

Friday, 11th January, 2002, 04.00PM
Left, right, snatch and grab,
find a reason and make a pact,
playing catch up, it’s all in the bag,
you know it, it’s a clear stated fact.

Friday, 11th January, 2002, 05.00PM
Left myself no room for error, oops, too late, wasn’t watching my own back, saw the knife, tried to get it out, twisted it some more. Damn me, Brutus. But Caesar! I know me better than that! Then I shouldn’t have shot myself in the foot then, should I? Damn.

Friday, 11th January, 2002, 11.00PM
Problems, ponder, solution, action. major/minor, prioritise, value, judge, positives/negatives, options, decisions, time, money, people, places, cat, objects, feasibility, stability, planning, change.

Saturday, 12th January, 2002, 12.30AM
Sense? Irrelevant. Cryptic? Probably. Regrets? Some. Decisions? None yet. Time? Simultaneously running out and dragging on. Future? Immediate – undecided; long term – in planning.

Saturday, 12th January, 2002, 05.30PM
went home last night, dropped off some stuff, picked up some other stuff and talked to princess, got back to the Palace, went and hid downstairs trying to return to some sort of emotional stability, when Clay came and talked planning and options and possibilities, and the verdict? it’s just change, it’s not the end of the world..

I talked to princess about probably having to move out.. he seemed ok with it.. I think he may have seen it coming.. so, while I was somewhat worried about him taking it the wrong way, he didn’t.. it’s just a case of “you do what you’ve got to do”..

he offered to take care of the cat for me, if I can’t take her with me.. I nearly cried when he said it, I wasn’t expecting him to do that..

Clay noticed how upset I was when I left the house..the hour or so we were talking, sitting on the staging in the band room, he spent trying to get me to see things rationally.. which is exactly what I needed. there’s a possibility of moving in with Cindy, a friend of his, whom I’ve met a few times, and seem to get on fairly well with..

so, at the moment, it looks like this: move into the Palace, while I pay off bills, which is cool with me, providing I can leave my baby here, I know I can live with Andrew, and with Clay. The instability of the space I will put up with, because that’s a case of “doing what you have to do”. once I’m financially more stable, I could then move in with Cindy, or somewhereelse. if the Palace isn’t available for long Andrew and Clay have to find somewhere else anyway – so if time runs out for them, around the same time that I’m looking to go, Andrew mentioned that he’d be cool with the three of us finding somewhere together.

options, options, options.. I have about 2 weeks to move out of here, hoping that princess finds someone asap; so I have 2 weeks minimum to sort, throw and pack everything I own.. it’s doable.. I’ve had to move quicker than that.. at least this time I have somewhere to go.. last time? that was when my parents decided to run away from home.. fun, fun, fun.. it’s not the end of the world, it’s a challenge…..

but I love a challenge, and I’m strong…