i had the perfect intro/explanation of this.. i thought of it while i was in the shower, and i’ve since lost all hope of ever getting it back.
i’m listening to Moby.. maybe i should change to Powderfinger, or Placebo.. that might help me get this out..
its not the music.. its my own nervousness, anxiety, hesitancy, and fears..
this is a space where i air my thoughts, mainly to help myself work things out.. sometimes these thoughts linger, sometimes they disappear within moments of having been written.. i’m aware that people read it.. and i’m aware that sometimes i may say too much..
a couple of days ago, i posted a few thoughts that seem to have caused some confusion and anxiety…. i want to explain.. but there’s not much i can say.. and there’s a few reasons for that…
i thought about emailing (most of) this, but i tend to be more honest with myself here… and i know i have to be honest about this. i wouldn’t want it any other way. i’m posting this here, because i’m still working all this out.. if i was more confident.. if i was sure that i was right.. dammit, i’d tell you what it meant…
obviously at the time i was less concerned with the influence of, and the consequences of my writing than usual.. i’m not saying that the thoughts were invalid, or nonsense, and they were certainly not lies.. but, i’m aware that in the broader scheme of things, i probably shouldn’t have posted them.
i couldn’t lie about it, (i’d hate myself for that) but, please understand, i can’t open up about it either. even giving those thoughts any air time, makes me feel silly. it was silly. i was over-reading things, i asked for an objective opinion, and i got it. i got that opinion from a person that is far more open, courageous, and forward than i am. i thought about it, i posted it, and disregarded the entire thing.
why did i disregard it? not because i don’t value the opinion given to me (or the person that gave it). not because i think that the opinion i got wouldn’t apply to me, because of a personality difference, or a difference in the way that i and the opinion-giver operate our respective lives.. not because i think i was being totally irrational. (there has to be some explanation for it, but, and this is the thing, i was over-reading. seeing things that aren’t there. i’m almost sure of it.) (ok, so maybe that describes ‘irrational behaviour’..)
so.. why did i disregard it..?
i’m scared to believe it. i don’t want to think about. i want to let it go. i don’t want to face the possibility, because i don’t know how to handle it.
that probably makes less sense than anything i’ve ever said.
but, please, rest assured, that it was nothing that i would consider earth-shatteringly horrendous. it would change a few things, but not in a manner that would render my life unliveable. far from it..
i just finished reading a couple of entries in a secret diary of one of my favourite diarists.. i won’t link to it (at her request).. but… she had a few things to say about the act of writing one’s own truth.. and protecting that truth, because you’re scared.. scared that people will know what you’re thinking.
“Because when you write something meaningful, something that you pulled you from the inside out, displaying all of your guts, and ambitions, and silly, maudlin desires, you’re frighteningly vulnerable. All of those extra words, the paragraphs of nothing, all of the pages that you have to dig through to find what’s important–all of that is there to protect the author from your close scrutiny. Because readers are brutal. We have the craziest, most insane of expectations, and are rarely, if ever, truly satisfied.”
as much as i ‘protected’ my thoughts in a shroud of ambiguity, i opened myself up to interpretation by leaving out the guts of the events that led me to those thoughts.. and i was ‘frighteningly vulnerable’.. i will remain true to my intention of posting those thoughts, and i won’t explain the situation that surrounds them, because that would only make me feel more vulnerable.
i’m sorry. i really don’t want to lock you out of anything, but i can’t explain it any further. that would truely be saying too much. but i also don’t want you to worry….