i have so many things spinning around in my head. filming, i hate actors, the SOApBOx book, Hamish, artbeat, art vs writing, i miss Steven, but he’s coming down in July, Chrissy’s moving to Melbourne, i haven’t spoken to Rachel for too long, blah, all of those things deserve an entry each.
but despite all of that, i just feel numb.
i don’t know if it’s because i haven’t woken up properly yet, or if i’m refusing to let myself feel anything, because it would all overwhelm me. probably the latter.
why do i do that? why do i instinctively block things out, refuse to let myself feel them. as soon as i sense that something (especially a relationship) is turning sour, coming to a close, i wall myself in, block out all else, nothing that is said gets through to me. i can’t grasp the difference between what i see as the cold hard fact that “it’s over, time to move on”, or “i’m not letting you hurt me any more”, and what others see as a heartless, cruel, selfish refusal to “deal with it, work it out, sort through the problems so that we can still be together, or just be friends.”
i’m thinking specifically of Darren and Paul here. can ya tell?
and what gets me, every time, is that i am genuinely surprised, when they can’t understand why i do this. all i can think of is “but you know me better than that..”
the only person i know that isn’t surprised when i do this, is Steven. but then, i have to remember that we’ve been friends for 12 years. good lord, has it really been that long?? woah… Neo moment. he’s seen it all.. or if he hasn’t seen it, he’s heard about it. when the worst possible scenario happened with Darren, he was the first person i told. and he was the only person who knew about it for months.
i still don’t know how i got through all that on my own.. i don’t understand how i could get through all that, and come out the other side, still willing to try for that pot ‘o gold at the end of the rainbow. but then, having said that, i think that maybe, just maybe, i’m deluding myself.. maybe i’m not looking for the pot ‘o gold.. maybe i’m looking for a rock, just so that i can say “see?? it doesn’t exist!” i wonder if i keep searching for the imperfect, as proof that perfection doesn’t exist. maybe i set myself up for the fall, so that i can justify my cold hearted indifference when i fall.
it’s just a thought..
and yes, that’s a U2 song title up there..
Green light, Seven Eleven
you stop in for a pack of cigarettes
you don’t smoke, don’t even want to
hey now, you check your change
dressed up like a car crash
the wheels are turning but you’re upside down
you say when he hits you, you don’t mind
because when he hurts you, you feel alive
hey now, is that what it is?
red lights, grey morning
you stumble out of a hole in the ground
a vampire or a victim
it depends on who’s around
you used to stay in to watch the adverts
you could lip synch to the talk shows
and if you look, you look through me
and when you talk, you talk at me
and when i touch you, you don’t feel a thing
if i could stay… then the night would give you up
stay, and the night keep its trust
stay, and the night would be enough
faraway, so close
up with the static and the radio
with satellite television
you can go anywhere
Miami, New Orleans, London, Belfast and Berlin
and if you listen i can’t tell
and if you jump, you just might fall
and if you shout i’ll only hear you
if i could stay… then the night would give you up
stay then the day would keep its trust
stay with the demons you drowned
stay with the spirit i found
stay and the night would be enough
three o’clock in the morning
it’s quiet and there’s no one around
just the bang and the clatter
as an angel runs to ground
just the bang and the clatter
as an angel hits the ground
© U2, 1993
i went to the Zoo TV concert with Darren. ironic, huh?
bang clatter