it’s been a lazy few days.. not lazy as in “i’ve done nothing constructive whatsoever”.. but the kind of lazy, where things get done, but you don’t notice it so much… i guess i’m saying that i feel a bit better.. or even, i realise that it could be worse.. i could be 16090km from home, and hating it.
home. it’s an odd concept.. there are thousands of cliché’s about the concept of ‘home’… the first that comes to mind is “home is where the heart is”… where the hell that leaves me, i have no idea.. my heart seems to be in 4258752 places at once lately. i’m only slightly exaggerating… i guess if i’m honest with myself, there are bits of my heart on 3 different continents, 4 time zones, and separated into 7 or possibly 8 different cities.. now, what was that question? where am i? or who am i?
that’s something i’ve been pondering a lot lately. i think i’m going through an early mid life crisis.. or perhaps i’m only just starting to grow up.. i’m not certain which. the other option is that it’s (and i’m about to touch on some arts industry babble) pre-emergence paranoia.. in other words.. i’m just starting to get known, and i’m freaking about whether or not i’ve actually got what it takes. but that’s all beside the point.. regardless of what the problem is, or why it’s been bugging me.. it hasn’t been on my mind so much the last few days. (be happy for me. seriously.)
there’s still a few other things that are getting to me.. they boil down to the same premise: basically, its a matter of not knowing the cause.. and that stems from either me not looking close enough, or someone withholding it from me. i think both possibilities apply to different situations.
this is where it all gets tricky.. being a person that relies heavily on both intuition and logic, i already know what’s going on… but rationally, i can’t believe it.. does that make sense? what i mean, is that i know the truth, but i can’t find the evidence to substantiate it.
even if i could believe it, then i’d have to deal with it’s problematic exposure.
i concede…