because things come from godknowswhere and land on my doorstep and say “hey look at me i’m here to fuck you up even more than you were before” and in doing so only make me think of things that have fucked me up before and no one really knows just how much but i tried i really tried to not think about it this time he not only hinted but told me explicitly how he felt and that only made it worse in a way cause the last person that said those things to me in text was him the first him one not the last one so they were both on my mind cause after the second one i promised myself i’d never go through that again and then he today made it really difficult for me to say no but i did and he said its ok hun its probably for the best and believe me if i could have i would have but i couldnt i felt like i had acid or something eating away at my heart and my soul and after he left i had to write about him the second one cause he was on my mind and the tears that rolled down my cheek while i was writing that wasnt just for the second one but for the first and him today as well cause if things were different things would be really different and there’s a part of me that aches for a lot of things to be different but these are things that i have no control over and i can’t change them and it nearly kills me every time i face the fact that i can’t change it so here i am still thinking about all of them wondering why it all happened like it did and how they’re all doing now especially the first one and the second one i know the one today is sleeping and i know that he’ll be fine and that nothing will really change all that much and that thought nearly kills me as well cause i really do wish things would be different not the little things but the big things and the other one the one that’s here scares me cause he’s the same age as the one that was the one before the first of the three i talked about before and i know they are totally different people and personalities but i can’t help but be scared of the fact that i find myself being attracted to him cause it just brings up more bad memories but there’s not much more i can do i’m already spending a lot of time reminding myself that i can’t do this that i have to hold myself back but then this little voice pops up from somewhere and reminds me that its bad to hold things back like that and that i shouldn’t lie to myself but if i see that i’m getting myself into more trouble i have to stop that cause the last thing i need is more trouble. and that’s what i should have told him today, but all i said was “i can’t do this……”
non bis in idem
