Under pressure of constant wondering, I asked the question of when. I was told, given a ball park figure, and I’m feeling a lot less stressed as a result. I hate the thought that I’m so reliant on another’s connections, but I’ve lost my own ability in this realm, so I have no choice but to wonder or to ask. Wondering was sending me crazy, with wild visions that kept me awake at night, not really knowing if it was the truth, or simple morbid fantasy, but at least now, I have some knowledge of what to expect, and by when.
Also, drunken nattering and expulsion of those words I’m always so afraid to say, five words that mean so much more than simple expression of feeling, but also self-realisation of failure and self-hate. “I’m sorry, I love you.”
Tears flowed as I said it, and the explanation that followed that lead to the asking of the question, the caving under pressure, the release of emotion, and the arrival of relaxation. I’ve slept so well over the last two days.
(Thank you).
x L