i’m trying..

i’m trying. i’m trying to keep up with everything. have you ever gotten to that point where you just can’t find the time to think everything over..? there are so many issues that i want to talk about, and all of them are important to me, but, some of them, i don’t want to talk about here, others i want to talk about, but for the fact that i’m not quite brave enough to say those things in front of such an audience as yourselves. honestly, if i were to write about everything that has been on my mind today, this entry would be a mile long. and i don’t even know how long a mile is.

i’m a child of metric. hush, you silly “Americans”. (Thank you, Chet)

but i’m trying. i’m trying so hard to believe things. things that have no logical explanation. things that have no rational, or categorical proof.

i’m trying to believe that medical science is “worth it”. there is (so far) no medical explanation, or verifiable reason, why just about everything i eat makes me feel nauseas. but i know that it does, and it does this, (i’m sure) because there is something wrong. somewhere. even though my doctor has, so far, been unable to find out what it is that’s wrong. i’ll talk more about that later. maybe. if i can bring myself to do that. but remind me to talk about the multitude of pregnancy tests, if i forget.

i’m trying to believe that my sister loves and values me, for who i am. or, rather, regardless of who i am. i do not fit into her ideal mode of how a person should live, but frankly, that shouldn’t matter, just because she’s my sister. but, (again) there is no categorical proof that this is true, but i’m trying. really, i am.

i’m trying to understand why J has dropped all contact. i sent an email saying “sorry, but i’m kinda angry, but give it time, we’ll work it out.” i got no reply.. so i sent an email saying “hey, i miss you” and i got no reply. so i sent an email saying “actions speak louder than words.” and they do. message received. i still don’t understand.. but i’m trying.. i could do with some help on that one.

i’m trying to work out what’s going on in someone else’s head. (silly me for trying..) the only way i can explain it, is via a playground swing, and a revolving door.. back, forth, open, shut, hilarious, sensitive, swing baby, swing. as soon as you get ‘inside’, if you don’t have the courage to step off, you’re back outside again. even that probably won’t make any sense to anyone but me.. M would probably get it, but he’s not the one i’m trying to explain it to. he already knows.. well.. he knows as much as i do, and that’s not very much. but i’m trying to find out..