Snapshot. Pigeon with long blond hair stuck in its beak, trailing behind it as it attempts to forage for crumbs left by careless morning munchers. As the pigeon picked up the wrong cast-off, I feel like I am the cast-off – trailing behind, cast around in the breeze…
Feel like I’ve grown apart from everything, including myself. Dislocated – so fucking dislocated that it hurts. Dislocated from friends – trying to catch up, but even that has its inherent problems. Nothing is the same – and I didn’t expect it to be – but it’s so different that I barely recognize some things. Things, people, places, attitudes, idioms and paradigms. Nothing seems concrete – nothing to hold on to as I swirl past it all, trying to at least see what’s there, grasp on to ‘something’.
Even the one thing I thought I might be able to grasp… isn’t really available to be held – even for just a second. Yes, I’m finding it difficult to come to terms with the changes to our relationship.
I feel cast out – Flashback to Molong:
“I guess it feels like everyone is leaving you.”
“Yes it does, but the thing is – I can’t see where that leaves me.”
Mum & dad are in Narromine, Clay is going (eventually) to Sydney, my sister is going to New Zealand. Myles is working full-time, as is Greg (whom I have other .. ‘difficulties’ with), and Craig also. Sara is the only one not working, but is still getting over her accident and spends most days in bed, studying for the exams she has next week. Daniel would probably be surprised and amused that I even sensed a change in him. Though, having said that, “contact” was made, and he is the one I had the least problems making real contact with. (Alternatively, it could have been me and how I relate to people that has changed so noticeably.) Greg. Greg almost deserves an entry all to himself, and I feel I probably shouldn’t write about all that here.
Oh, to feel as human as you, Greg. You have little idea how much turmoil you have put me through, and also how much I have learnt about myself because of you. I still feel both of these as well as the nervousness and butterflies and hope and dismay and guilt.
Guilt. Guilt should have no place in this world. But this is all self-made-guilt: from knowing that one has done wrong by not just one, but two other human beings. I guess, in the end, one should never say never, and I learnt that I am, after all, only human.
Only human, only female, only creative, only curious, only alive, only trying to make sense of this world we have created for ourselves and all the promises I have made and broken and kept and the dreams that I have and the few regrets.
Life. Living. Day by day, step by step, little by little, we’re all moving on. Question is – where to from here? The main thing is that I feel like I don’t belong here. I don’t know where I ‘belong’. (That is, of course, if anyone ‘belongs’ anywhere.) It’s my Saturn Return this year, and I feel like I need somewhere to go ‘home’ to. But I have no idea where that might be.
Yet, tonight, I will make yet another attempt to contact – Daryl’s band is playing, I, Craig, Sara (if she’s up to it), Travis, Greg, and possibly Myles & Tash and perhaps Louise are going. Though I feel I have less energy to expend, I will make an attempt.
A piece of string will only stretch so far… Plans and promises have been made, some have already been broken. I simply hope that I can stretch far enough… but not so far that it causes other promises to break.
Bear with me, I think it’s just an early mid-life crisis. I’m like a feather on a swirling wind, carried along, trailing behind, trying to catch up and find out where I came from…