i can’t write. i’m lost for words, i’m that out of sync with myself. i’m a clueless void. i feel if i write anything, i will say too much. if i keep it to myself, i’ll explode. as i mentioned in yesterday’s locked entry, i’m still deciding what to do. how to deal with all this.
i keep wondering what to do. wondering why i sit here, wanting, wondering what it would be like.. the dreams are getting more intense, and i don’t know how to deal with them. i want to say something about it, about the dreams, the desire, but i don’t know what i could say.. if i just ‘say it,’ it would send someone reeling with shock.. that’s not the effect i want to have on someone. it could do more damage than good. but i don’t know what else i could do.. except sit in silence, and keep holding it back, keep wondering, keep dreaming..
i can’t stop the dreams, i can’t find a way out of this place, i can’t change my circumstances, i can’t change my feelings, and i can’t find a way to express it.. i’m stuck, and the walls are closing in..
i found out that one has been hiding from me.
i’m hiding from another one.
someone else seems to be disappearing on me.. this one i don’t want to lose.
“Our vibrations were getting nasty- but why? I was puzzled, frustrated. Was there no communication in this car? Had we deteriorated to the level of dumb beasts?“