11pm, someday (can’t remember when.. this was scrawled in one of my paper diaries a couple of weeks ago):
Sitting on the front steps, crying and I don’t know why. Washed out. Void of emotion. Too fucked up to care anymore. Fuck this rock. Is there anything that ‘works’ on this planet? I seem to have lost everything. Lost touch, lost faith, lost humanity.
Why do I care? Because I am what I am. I am human. I am nothing. I am.. I don’t know what I am. I’ve almost lost myself to a character i despise, yet drown myself in. I’m becomming Angie. Angie who doesn’t know herself, only knows what she lacks. I am loveless. Unhooked, unhinged, unable.
Question is, am I like this every time? Do I give away my independence, become reliant on that four letter word – “love”, to the point that I don’t recognize myself, then suddenly grasp at my life, make a stand, demand my freedom again, and leave my partner wondering WTF just happened? I think so… I scare myself.
And right now, I’m scared. Scared to tears that I’m doing it again.
Darren taught me not to trust even those that are closest to you.
Paul taught me that I have to keep something of myself, even when I want to give it all up.
I’m scared of what Clayton is going to teach me. Hopefully not the same lessons as Darren and Paul. Hopefully, it’s that not all men and relationships go down the same path. Hopefullm that, at times, I CAN rely on and trust someone else, but that I don’t always HAVE to.
I want to trust him. I want to be able to rely on him. AND I want to trust and rely on myself, as well.
I don’t/can’t do any of those at the moment.