and then, in stark comparison to the last entry, and to the start of this, which i elaborated on in this, (friends only post to asta) and then felt again, in this…..
i just had a major talk with Clayton. all about defining what we are, trust, my moods of late, how i’m coping of late (ie: not.)….
he’s the sweetest thing.. so accepting.. he’s not phased at all by the fact that i’ve almost gone completely off my rocker in the last few days.. i mean, i somehow managed to restrain myself from biting his head off while grocery shopping with him and my parents the other night, after he suggested that i buy raw sugar over white. he didn’t take it personally, and in fact, his only reaction to it, was that he was worried about me. (with some good reason, i might add.. i wasn’t well.) i got home from that little trip, and nearly collapsed in exhaustion, cramping pain, and emotional nothingness.
then add to that, there was something he did (i honestly don’t know what), that triggered an emotion that reminded me of Darren (Darren being the guy i was engaged to when i was 18. that relationship ended catastrophically. i’ll be blunt as hell. he raped me.) needless to say, i was pretty fucked up when i recognized the emptiness i felt. i ended up sitting on the back stairs crying, not knowing what to say when i got back inside. Clayton was almost asleep when i got in.. i think i was sitting out there for three quarters of an hour. i dunno.. i didn’t time it. i just felt like i had nothing to give, nothing to gain, nothing inside, and all i could see was nothing.i was empty, and so was the rest of the world.
emotional exhaustion.
my parents are emotionally draining, the play is emotionally draining, the film (Second Thought) was emotionally draining, and i had nothing left..
but.. we just defined ourselves as open, though neither of us have any intention of going elsewhere – seeing anyone else; he reassured me that i can trust him; that he trusts me; that he cares about me; that he likes who i am; that he has no intention, no need to, no desire to control me in anyway; that he wants me to have the freedom to spend time with my friends, and that he needs that as well; that he respects me and my need for time alone…
the list goes on.. and it’s reciprocated.
i’m still drained, but i’m feeling far less worried about a thousand little things that had been going through my mind. just the little things that i had been dweeling on, brought up by the film, by the play, by the other night, by my memories of Darren and of Paul.
i care about him. i trust him. i respect him. i like him. i know he’s different to everyone else i’ve ever met.
i feel lucky that he’s come into my life, for whatever reason it has happened.