it was a startlingly clear moment of self-knowledge.. i had to write this down before it left me.. in that instant i understood what drives me.. as fragile, and as precious as it can be, it is my master.
my muse has returned.
be prepared for me to disappear at will..
4.00pm, 15th November, 2000
So i was lying in bed last night, and i had the most phantasmagorical ideas for my work.. once i get the idea, i can’t stop thinking about it until i’ve worked out how to do it.. it’s a rush.. as much as anything else is, i guess.. so i was sitting up in bed, it’s 3am, and i’m working out how to keep enamel paint wet for 4 weeks… maybe i could use something else.. maybe i could use a retarder additive of some sort.. who knows..
it’s like this.. right now, i’m sitting in the Myer Centre, scrawling this in a note book i just bought, because i felt the need to write this down. when it happens, it happens. i cant ignore it, and i would be stupid to do so.
i just remembered what that Oliver guy said to Julie in second year..
“At least you’ll graduate with a good hobby”
well.. he was an asshole, and if this is a hobby, then it is a hobby that has a mind of its own.. it is demanding, it is an addiction, it is a challenge, and it is driven by a need to understand. understand myself AND other people AND ‘it’ (the work).. and that is followed by the desire to share it, and the fear that you have misunderstood, or that it won’t communicate, or they won’t understand me. But, that relief, that satisfaction that follows…that is unmatched. there IS nothing like it. it is a feeling that is apart from everything else.. and it is something that i would be nothing without.