I need to get my haircut… You needed to know that, hey..
But seriously, I need to let go of certain things. I did some of that yesterday, (hence my hyper, joyous, and inebriated state this time last night). Basically, I spent yesterday afternoon, home alone, thinking about shit, and seeing it from that almighty perspective : ‘Hindsight’.
I built that bridge. I’m over it. (Well, all I can say is that for now, I am over it, I feel like I’m over it, and I want to remain over it. In no way can I say that I will always be over it, but yes, I’ve moved on.)
Christ I feel better for it. But there’s more there that has to go yet. See, this is what that dream was all about. (clicky linky. I talked about it the other day.) Something missing, but stuff I have to get rid of.
Now, this thought just confused me even more. This, this, bridge-building-thing that I am going through/doing/achieving right now, is what he had tried to force me through the whole way through our relationship. I cannot count how many times we yelled at each other over this shit. But here i am, almost six months later, easily shedding these layers that I no longer need. It just makes me think that he was trying too hard to make me become something that I wasn’t ready for, even if it did lay along my path. Twin feelings of rebellious “You can’t make me!” and a grateful “Hey, you were right” combine with an aural soundtrack of an old (but true) cliché: “You can’t help someone unless they want to be helped”. In my case, it wasn’t so much that I didn’t want the change, but I objected to the methods he used in his attempts to apply it. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready until I had enough leverage of hindsight, with particular experiences under my belt, to both see it properly, and make it happen.
You know what’s really weird? He needs to read this.
I know he won’t though.