med·i·ta·tion (n)
1 a The act or process of meditating.
1 b A devotional exercise of or leading to contemplation.
2 A contemplative discourse, usually on a religious or philosophical subject.
October 1998.
i was living with my aunt and uncle, i was in my third year at university, about 6 weeks from finishing my undergrad degree.. we were in the thick of the lead up to our final assessment and our graduation exhibition, which the head of the department, and the course coordinator had gracefully placed in my lap to organize (“well, you’re good at this stuff, and no one else wants to do it”).. my cousin, who was 32 at the time, was diagnosed with leukaemia. i had spent most of the day arguing with the other students and the department staff about the invitations, finally got home at about 8pm, to find my aunt and uncle in tears. the background to their relationship with Gary, is that he married Deb about 6 years previous, and she had since cut almost all contact with them. to this day, no one understands why.. but that’s beside the point. he was already in hospital, and Deb was refusing to let them visit. after spending a few hours crying with, and trying to comfort them, i went back downstairs, showered, skipped over a few bits of paper that i was supposed to read, tried to work on my 1000 word artist statement, and eventually, went to bed.
i was about half asleep… my perception of balance went haywire. i was tilting, end to end. this was enough to wake me up, in the “oh god, i’m awake again, please don’t let me start thinking” sense .. begin meditation.
(caution: esoteric weirdness to follow..)
i was floating, thinking about Gary. not the Gary that was awaiting a bone marrow transplant, but the Gary that i knew as a kid.. intelligent, happy, cheeky, full of laughter and practical jokes, ever ready with a game that spurned the imagination, the times we spent playing in my grandmothers’ yard, when they were on vacation. the next thing i “saw” was him, lying in hospital. i reached out, touched his hand, and he looked up at me, with his familiar grin. his face was pale and drawn, but it was Gary. the one i remember was still there. i “felt” a rush of energy pass from my heart, though to his hand..
about a week later, he had his bone marrow transplant, my uncle and aunt were allowed to visit, and about three months later, he went into remission.
he passed away about a year later, the leukaemia had resurged, ravaging his body for a four month struggle, which he fought with everything he could. it was too strong in the end. but, the point of me telling that, was not in remembrance of Gary, though i miss him dearly, i wanted to talk about the meditation, the astral-travel, the psychic phenomena, call it what you will. its just a small example of the plethora of esoteric weirdness that i have experienced, but do not fully understand.
tonight, about 8pm.
i went for another walk to the park, played on the swings, thinking about everything.. came home, couldn’t face the TV or the computer, decided to try and read Neuromancer again.. after about 3 pages, i started tilting.. the rest, i won’t go into detail about.. i don’t want to share those details with the world, but suffice to say, i think i did it again.. i saw, i felt.