i sat here, reading the words on screen, understanding the meaning, but unable to relate to the experience, wait, thats not entirely true, i’ve had moments of similar experience, but nothing on such a scale, nothing quite so, so, so, ‘grandiose’ expresses the scale, but this is not ‘grand’, it’s heartbreaking, as i read the words, my heart sank, as i felt myself slipping into the words, into the void they were expressing.
and you say you can’t write.
i wish i could help, i really do, but this is so far beyond my experience, and i am not qualified, nor experienced enough to let myself believe that i can make a difference, the only thing i can think of, is to let you know that i read it, i felt it, my heart went out to you, and, yes, i’m worried, and if you tell me ‘don’t worry, i’ll be fine’, i will still worry, and i won’t believe it. but that’s only because i care about you.
i feel useless, because i want to make it go away. a psychic/tarot reader i went to once, explained my role in this life as a helper/healer. and, given the plethora of people who just open up to me, for no particular reason, it makes a lot of sense to me. but ‘sense’ is something that you need to comprehend, not map out. there is no rational explanation this, but it happens, time and time again, people come to me with their problems, i let them babble at me for a bit, i somehow see what’s going on, and i say a few things, and they go away, feeling like they got something. i don’t know what. i wouldn’t call it advice. but knowing that they go away with a solution, or feeling better that someone listened, i feel better. it’s not a ‘woo, go me’ better. its a ‘wow…. that made a difference’ better.
and that’s where i am. i want to make it better. i want to make a difference. but i know i can’t.
the first time we started talking, i knew you. pre-learned knowledge of another human being. to my logical mind, that is impossible, but i have experienced it, and if there is one thing that my life has taught me, it is to believe experience over logic. and even if we don’t meet this time around, we’ll be together again, one day.
that’s one thing that i look forward to.