i’m listening to Massive Attack’s ‘Angel’.. that really says enough about my mood.. if you don’t know it, go find it. that song is the reason why i why i chose my screen name. i was listening to it when i first had to find a name for myself. i’ve seen this song used in so many ways, by so many different films. why am i listening to it now? well… i went to bed early (shock) and just woke up from a rather disturbing dream..
its difficult to explain.. it was pretty complex.. basically.. i dreamt that i had a dream come true.. it was a dream that i’m having trouble understanding.. i have no idea where to start understanding it. there’s so many different elements from the past, and the symbolism is so obvious. but i dont want to read it too literally, and i don’t want to assume anything about anyone else….
i fear my subconscious sometimes..
and speaking of the past, my mother…. when she rang the other night, she started delving into explanations of her issues as a mother.. particularly regarding her relationship with my sister.. its odd for mum to talk about emotional stuff at all, let alone actually gasp apologise for things which she has now realised, may not have been to my benefit.. that may not make sense.. basically, my sister was very emotionally independent from a very early age.. she pretty much set the tone for her relationship with mum, and then mum took her rules, and applied them to me. she now realises that that may not have been what i needed.. and, frankly, it wasn’t. i sometimes feel like i was forced to be very emotionally independent, too early, and it pretty much left me feeling pretty unloved as a kid. thats a very rough assessment of my childhood, and there was way more to it than just that. but it’s one issue, its one point, and its valid.
and i got over it. it’s one issue in a zillion i could bring up and ‘blame’ certain problems on, but i realise that it all makes me what i am today.. somewhat fucked up, admittedly, but i’m still here.. and thats the important bit. right?
but i’m still shocked that mum brought it up at all.. the conversation started, from me telling mum that my sister had (yet again) not showed up to my exhibition.. mum jumped to her defence with the old “its difficult to get out of the house at night with two young kids” line. my reaction to that (which i held back at the time) is “bullshit. thats what babysitters are for.” this is the old problem i have with my sister.. if i don’t show to a family function, i get the guilt trip via the kids.. yet time and time again, they miss the things which are important to me. why can’t they show? they have kids, its too difficult.. note the irony… and i just have to sit back and take it. (yes, there’s a GYA line there :p ). but after mum defended her, she then went on that long-winded rant about her relationship with her. there was also a lot of ranting about my sister’s husband, but i won’t go into that.. i’ll get too pissed off about it.
so now i feel like i’m in this difficult place, where i know my mum’s side of the story well enough to almost blame my childhood problems on my sister. and i don’t like that thought. not at all. but i’m not looking for anyone to ‘blame’ anyway.. i guess mum was just trying to make sure that i didn’t blame her for the whole kit and kaboodle..
so here i am, listening to a song that, in an odd way, defines me..