Spending time wondering how the tide and time surface and interract to bring about what it is that I see before me. What do I see? I see that I need space from people who think they have a right to pass judgement on my life without ever trying to understand what it is that I’m all about, let alone what I think I need, or (god-forbid) what I want.
This guy thinks that because he’s a friend of my parents, he’s got “automatic entry” to my life, that he’s suddenly the “all seeing, all knowing magistrate” and if he passes judgement, he has the right to use that information to cause trouble within my family, and my relationship. Frankly, the honest truth is, he saw two incidents/situations, saw them from the wrong angle, with too-little background information, and with his own special rose-coloured-glasses; and deemed his perspective to be the “only” perspective, therefore he had the right to pass that information on to my parents, who passed it on to me. (And what that really does, is tell me that he doesn’t think that I should have right-of-reply, probably because he Knows that he’s wrong.)
Honestly? I’m pissed off about it. Clay and I are both ready to shoot the bastard down in flames (with whatever ammunition/weapon combination we can find). There are so many aspects of this that really annoy me. I shouldn’t get started on it all, there’s too much for the time I’ve got left here today. Suffice to say, most of what I’m talking about breaks so many rules/guidelines/dearly-held-concepts-of-how-I-live-my-life-and-win-friends-and-influence-people, that it’s rediculous.
All I really want is to be free of that kind of bullshit. Is that too much to ask?
Its hard to enjoy what you have in life when it seems like everyone and their mother (in some cases, you can take that literally) wants you to do what THEY want you to do
and i should know
because girls are stupid and do this to mebecause its happened to meA small price to pay for free will and independence. Believe me, it beats the hell out of the alternative, even if it is involuntarily self-imposed.
Imagine: being unable to function in any social setting because of over a decade of mental conditioning by a sadistic and careless peer group that triggers uncontrollable fear; seeking help from your family/friends/therapists who either can’t help you because they don’t understand or just don’t care/won’t bother even though you’ve gone above and beyond for them in the past; unable to seek even a fledgling social life because you lack the knowledge and experience of how to perform and everyone around you has two cold shoulders and treat you like an alien because you don’t think/act/portray yourself the way they do; having moral standards that prevent you from most functions because the idea of careless inebriation and dangerous, unprotected hedonism revolts you; knowing you’ll never be in any kind of meaningfull relationship because you’re not a drunken, arrogant, loudmoth, rapist asshole because that’s all the opposite sex apparently wants; knowing that there is absolutely no one to turn to, no family, no friends, no God, that can or will help you; knowing that the very standards that others have said makes you a more “mature” and “caring” person are in fact the very things depriving and destroying you.
Now add all these together and run them through your head 24/7.
I would gladly trade places. I would much rather be in the position to make mistakes or at least have acquaintances that care to help (even if they’re annoying in the process) than being able to do nothing more than continue bleeding. And that’s why I’m talking to a recruitment officer tomorrow.
Imagine: believing yourself to be strong enough to deal with whatever the world throws in your direction, without even thinking you need help from anyone else to do it.
I may voice complaints/concerns/worrries/problems, but I refuse to let them get the better of me, simply because I KNOW that I CAN deal with anything. I mean to say, I wouldn’t be walking this earth if I wasn’t given the tools (psychological, emotional and physical) to be able to be here, and to continue to be here, for as long as I want to be, for as long as I need to be. Speaking from personal experience (of course), the only times where I find myself thinking I can’t deal with it all, are the times when I have allowed myself to think that the complaints/concerns/worrries/problems are bigger than I am. Don’t get me wrong, I most certainly have those moments, but I don’t/won’t let those moments drag on for too long (that’s all part of the reason why I write, I guess you could call this journal my ‘clearing house’). And as far as friends go, real friends shouldn’t let you drag those moments on. I try, but sometimes there’s only so much I can do, A.
Sorry, it just seems like these things are really getting to you since you’d rather post about that and nothing else instead of dropping friends an e-mail or post and letting us know how things are going. Sorry, don’t know quite how to interpret it.
gee, d’ya think that perhaps I don’t have much time to check the internet, and have to post *something* somewhere that everyone I know will be able to read, and know that I’m still alive and how I’m doing, instead of spending 5 hours of my one day off per week sitting on a computer sending seperate emails to approximately 15-20 people? (Of course the fact that on that one day off, the library is only open for 3 hours, and if I were to find my way there first thing in the morning, I’d miss the only opportunity I get every week to sleep in. No. That doesn’t matter at all. Because the fact that I’m working fucking hard for the money means nothing to anyone else. The fact that Clay and I get home from work aching like crazy, and can barely move to make dinner some nights doesn’t matter shit to anyone but us, much less whether or not we can get up by 9.30am on a Saturday morning, after getting up at 6.30am every other day. Fuck it, I’m getting really pissed off with having to defend my life to someone who I AM trying to keep in contact, even though circumstances prevent me from doing so on a regular ubar-personal level. and with that, it’s 11.45am, and I have to get to the supermarket before 12.00pm. Thanks for understanding.)
Perhaps I have been a bit terse, I’m sorry, I guess I just have a skewed way of seeing and interpreting things right now, and probably should just keep quiet.
You have everything in life that I could ever ask for. Nothing is perfect. Inconvenient annoyances are a small price to pay for the enjoyment of life in a usually cold and indifferent world. Please, be happy with what you have. It’s so much more than most…