dystopia . don’t show me this . don’t feel this . don’t touch me . don’t watch this . don’t try this at home . don’t make me explain this . don’t hear this .
i can’t escape this . i can’t describe this . i can’t hope for this . i can’t make this happen . i can’t make this go away . i can’t solve this . i can’t wait for this . i can’t feel this .
i don’t want this . i don’t know what i want . i don’t feel anything . i feel no.thing . there is some.thing . i want no.thing . i want some.thing .
Lead me down the garden path
Let me believe that it’s all ok
Dream of escape with intent to elucidate
But the key remains unconscious.
Foolish things and heartbreak
Collide in drunken rambling
Long forgotten hidden never to surface
Under daylight’s hurtful glow.
“You’re from the heart, and so happy”
“I have my moments” but true I was
but few can know how hard that makes
this ever increasing daily show.
Exhibitionist avatar
Intellectualized introvert
Compromised hurled aside
Never before and never more
Turn around and begin again
Painful wrench of soul and then…
Tears fall opposing the fear the waste the love the hate the grief the relief
It’s all a relief the outpouring the ability the opening the return the mess the pain
But none more so that the wonder the curiosity the hope the healing the… the… contact.
Dramatic turn of faith and then…
we play HE SAID; SHE SAID:
HE SAID: So how are you going?
SHE SAID: Oh, you know, round in circles.
HE SAID: Well, it is said to be a spiral, but is it expanding or collapsing?
SHE SAID: Both.
HE SAID: Ahaa!
I feel hypocrisized. The difference between being true to heart and the desire to Not Hurt Others.
Take my time,
but it’s alright,
it’s my life
You don’t own me.
criss cross, the paths interweave
tick tock, time gets loose
simultaneously healing and hurting
– life gets loose.
When I find the one, the thing, the way,
(you know you want it)
Who’s to say,
Where it is?
“What is red?
Where is red?
What is blue?
Where is blue?”
fucked if I know.
red, blue and a kaleidoscope inbetween – a myriad of possibilities, signifiers, reasons, meanings, readings and more.
Dream it, do it, see it. Find the action, frame it, film it, cut it, play it. It’s all a celluloid dream. Do I love what I do? Nothing lights my fire like the silver screen. It’s not just a video, it’s a world. Zoom out. Cut. That’s a wrap. Fade out. Roll credits.
Instant replay, preview and telecast. The master edit is the icon of the holy grail.
wrote this in a note book, Thursday, 29th November, can’t remember the time..
washing the self of tide and time,
wandering listless, naked and profane,
obtuse, acute, resolute, ardent and arduous,
I’m everything and nothing,
part and parcel, and yet, left behind..
beg, borrow, steal,
it’s all the same to me.
I’m everything and nothing to me.
scrawled in a notebook, 2am last night, attempting to get over the last of the filming..
ebola. (take me on, take me down).(pandora’s box).
Take me to an ugly place,
let me be your one disgrace.
Time flies and you mix and mingle,
lost and yet, not even single.
I’m blessed but tempted,
hiding somewhere,
shuddering, shaking,
fearing, nearing,
can’t stop hearing,
open season,
haunted, hunted,
ghosts and demons,
found. confronted.
open up and let in the thieves,
let them take their piece of the pie,
when the remainder isn’t enough
put yourself back together,
a frankenstein of fragments,
no longer knowing remembering recognising the original..
i was going to post something wildly ambiguously esoteric about my fabulous weekend, but i got half way through writing it, and between ISP and computer fucking up, i lost it, so i’m going to post this instead (it’s a character exposition for my character in the stage play) :
losing touch while sitting solid. knowing nothing changes, wanting change yet fearing it. want what i had.
mum, dad, two kids, happy.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
me, him, two kids, dog, picket fence, country garden, outer city suburb.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
can’t let go. too safe, too secure, too insecure.
need my rock to cling to.
this is not a rock, it’s an anchor, an anchor that swings, unhooked, unhinged, unable.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
come, go, arrive, leave.
go nowhere, get nothing, do nothing, be no-one.
hide, find, lose, regret.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
though, i should say, i had a good weekend 🙂
fever, head, thumping.
body, joints, aching.
mind, racing, remembering.
touch, knowledge, lost.
heart, sinking.
feeling, hurt, lost, wondering, jealous, not knowing, wanting.
why?
dunno,
dunno,
dunno..
a little birdie came to me
wanted to know if i could see
the fire in my eyes
if i knew i would have said
but it had just snuck on me
so i asked him what he meant
“the fire rages deep within
there’s no denying reality
even if you fail to see”
(s’ok, i’m not turning into a pyromaniac, nor have i hurt myself.)
early winter morning
clear crisp light
drags me into the fray
a wind that
washes feeling away
weak blue overhead
words ebb and flow
none help ease the pain
language is useless
when my heart is
breaking under the strain..
Silent tears.
A lonely face.
A hidden fear, not easily traced.
A silent voice.
A faceless face.
An empty body.
An eternal chase.
A repeated nightmare.
A sleepless night.
A pillow hugged – so very tight.
Wide eyes.
Nothing within.
A single tear running thin.
“A mystery wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a parcel of fish and chips wrapped inside a great dark thing.”
aphrodisiacs like you.. need to see you more.. need to have you again..
for my sanity i need your touch.. the touch of your voice.. of your words.. of you..
the softest touch.
i’ve missed you for so long.. longer than i ever knew..
until i met you.. the one who has been missing all my life..
i want you back.. i want you now.. wanting more..
never getting it.. never getting it together.. never getting what i want..
because i feel i know you..
but i know i don’t.. i know there is so much i don’t know..
i want to know it all.. i think i know it all.. i know i don’t.. i don’t know..
the very personal ones never get published… usually i feel i have to work them though as if they were for ‘publication’ though… helps me to move things along in my practice..
but i feel i know you so well
my freak of the week
and i want my freak.. i want him i want him here.. i want him now
i crave his voice and i crave his touch
and he comes and goes and he comes back again
and he is gone yet again.. i wait.. wanting more.. never getting it.. never getting it together never getting what i want
a letter.. a phone call.. a message anything.. i need to hear from you
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)
aphrodisiacs like you.. need to see you more.. need to have you again
a letter.. a phone call .. a message anything.. i need to hear from you
for my sanity i need your touch.. the touch of your voice.. of your words.. of you
the softest touch
i’ve missed you for so long.. longer than i ever knew.. until i met you
the one who has been missing all my life.. i want you back.. i want you now..
i want you always
because i feel i know you
but i know i don’t.. i know there is so much i don’t know
i want to know it all.. i think i know it all.. i know i don’t.. i don’t know
but i feel i know you so well
my freak of the week
an i want my freak.. i want him i want him here.. i want him now
i crave his voice and i crave his touch
and he comes and goes and he comes back again
and he is gone yet again.. i wait.. wanting more.. never getting it.. never getting it together never getting what i want
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)
if i can ask one more question
if I have to ask one more question
if i have to ask one more time
if i have to find out anything else
if i need to know anything else
if i can find out more
if i find out too much
if i want to know more
if i need to know more
if i like what i find
if i find what i like
if i want what i like
if i want what i know
if i know what like
if i know what i want
if i knew what i got
if i got what i want
if i like what i got
if i like what i have
if i have what i got
if i have what i like
if i don’t get what i like
if i don’t like what i got
if i don’t have what i like
if i like what i don’t have
if i don’t have what i want
if i want what i don’t have
if i can’t have what i want
if i can’t have you
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)
man, i am an incurable flirt
i cannot resist the opportunity
a crude, rude freak
chasing you over the net til 4 in the morning
chasing or being chased?
enjoying every minute of it
wanting more and more
laughing at you and at me
i’m stoned and you are getting confused
i’m flirting and so are you
i’m getting turned on and you..
…i don’t know about you
you are talking about sex
i am talking about me
i’m wondering if that is deliberate
now you want to know it all
i think you may already know it
but do you want to ask?
revealing too much? no, i don’t think so
but i’ll flirt some more, and some more…and then…
i’ll flirt some more!
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)
it was so fantastic
it was the closest we’ve gotten
it has no name
this thing we have
its a thing is all
just wondering is all
just sounded cool is all
my heart sinks
stuck in my throat sinking choking
i have no control
this is spiralling up down out of control
i can’t even name it
this thing that we have
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)
almost anything i say, and everything i do…
almost any other day and any other you
if i were to go.. if i were to do.. if i were to listen to you..
i never want to go..cause i’m never seen with you
i want to go.. i want to know.. i want to know what is going on
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)
a message for you
words words words and more words
i wait for your words,
i wait on your words,
i read the words,
i believe the words,
the words give me strength,
the words give me hope,
they are those kinds of words,
those kinds of words,
words that mean more than they say,
they mean nothing,
nothing to anyone,
anyone but me,
me and my thoughts,
thoughts about words,
words that make me think about you.
(actual date unknown – approx Jun 2001)
entry #30.. at least its still going..
if I hold it close to my heart…
if I had thought about it first…
if I let you in on the secret…
if I could put you on a pedestal…
if you would take better care of yourself…
if you could consider the consequences…
if I allowed you any more leeway…
if I had let you get away with it…
if I was more like the rest of the world…
if I could change the way I react…
if you would let me go…
if I could break free of the past…