Anger subsides,
Love derides,
(haven’t you found a place to hide?)
You believe,
You can conceive,
A place where you belong to me.
Dream state,
Lying awake,
(feeling like you give to take).
Hell bent,
I meant
To take you where I went.
Left it too long,
Got it all wrong,
(had to wait for you to come along).
Face down,
On the ground,
Still trying to come around…
Tease
Promise
Threaten
it’s all the same thing to you.
sexy chic.
call it what you like
diversionary tactics required
(how do you distract an adult male
with an erection?)
Change the subject –
has that ever worked?
Doubtful.
Star Quality
is May the month of love, lust
or
animal passion?
The Subject:
There without stood Hiawatha
Truth loves open dealing
Reading maketh a full man.
He stayed not for brake
Who goes round my house this night?
The mighty ruled with an iron rod
The weakest goes to the wall
The many rend the air with loud applause.
To assert is not to prove
She opened, but to shut excelled her power.
Slow and steady wins the race
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy
To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first
Walking up the hill made us somewhat breathless.
To see the world so full of shame and wrong
Fretteth my spirit in its house of clay.
The Object:
Christabel the lamp will trim
Whispering tongues can poison truth
Every why hath a wherefore
He likes cycling.
Me damp horror chilled
Whom have we here?
The overthrown he raised
Help the helpless.
The rabble rout forebore to shout
Spare not to spur, nor stint to ride.
Now or never! he shouted
My bonds forebade to lose my hold
Far other aims his heart had learnt to prize.
Flat empty lifeless beautiful listless
lustful
loved
(from afar)
(a classic cliche)
life giving force
a familiar face
empty stretched to the limit and loving
everyminuteofit.
loving everyminuteofit.
loving everyminuteofit.
loving everyminuteofit.
trumpets trombones tubas blare
the theme from our house
with flair.
Dusky dull colourless life
imitating intimidating intimacy, and longing for lascivious lustful activity.
“Right her right now you and me baby lets go”
“what, now?”
“yeah, let’s go.”
limitless litany vicious virility
Anti-hysterical droning
Anti-historical zoning
“Concrete associations”
Relentless rationalising
Absolute?
Contrived?
Fashioned?
Molded?
Haphazard placement of objectivity and subject.
Absence / Presence
diminish
leveling
stacking
layering
spread
DEPTH of hatred, longing, and
antagonistic desire
Angelic requirements.
Colour and shape
depth and solidity
harmony and symmetry
desperately seeking wanting needing
the harmony lacking ‘in situ’
Continually layering – always making you look through
trying to see that which is hidden – the final layer
“The True Self”
(resurgence of previous conceptual basis –
strange how one thing comes back
again and again and again)
DEPTH – pulls you in. like the depth of the
water pulling in the suicidal maniac
The RED (solid, deep, desirable)
SHAPE – why square? equality of sides = harmony and symmetry
Aching
(dreaming of things I can’t have)
Wanting
(Oh my god I have to have that/him/her/it/them)
regret
(I should have)
pure animal desire
(a phrase I learnt from TV – strange how things you learn
at ten apply at strange times)
regret
(lowest common denominator)
“absent
missing in action,
believed loveless.”
Dreaming of the impossible
Fearing the likely
Her only life raft
she refused to grab
Throwing herself on the fire
to prove she can burn
You think,
You believe,
You check,
but then she ‘doubles back’ and proves you wrong
isolates herself when she needs company
stranded
if you would ring to check how I am
not just when you want something from me.
or when you think I should be there because it’s
‘a family thing’
You don’t know how I bleed
from the memory of how things were…
Knowing it will never be the same.
WANTED to say it, couldn’t, held it, swallowed it, denied it, bottled it, internalised it.
TO see you there hurts, it’s on your terms, not mine.
LOVE the way I give in to you. I deny that I ever will, but I always do.
YOU call me when you want something from me, not when you have something to say.
Hanging lifeless vagrant lovelorn
dreaming wishing hoping fawning crying
.regret.
if
ONLY I had known then…
but that is how it goes I spose.
but then I can’t really say that I even know now –
the story is missing some pages.
if
ONLY I knew now…
because I would have, I could have, I should have,
I didn’t.
Stupid, Careless, Fearful, and the list goes on . …
relentless repetition of the action of denial.
The sunlight flooded her psyche, warming her, reminding her that warmth and love are still possible in this lifetime, instead of reminding her of how cold some parts of her soul were. At this moment she is full of the possibilities and warmth and kindness that floods her life.
Aching
longing for things to change
Yet a paradox presents itself…
can I fear that which I yearn for?
The intent,
The descent
prevents me from
continuing along this path
of complete and compromising change.
laughing,
whole fights,
night lights
on
so I
can
Sleep
Soundly
leaving
the
night life,
avoiding the
bright sight
Lingering listlessly
longingly lounging
lying to myself
‘I don’t need it anymore’
Cinderella’s done her bit
Rapunzel’s had her say.
Dream me
See me
Standing before you
Feel the presence
Sense the essence
Add to the ambivalence
Lights Camera Action
It’s all go go go
go go girls are going
going to grab your attention
That’s not for the likes of me.
(actual date unknown – approx Feb 1998)
Change my skin,
Till I fit in
You might have guessed
I don’t have much time for small talk
Where do I begin?
Start at the start
well, right from the start I felt I couldn’t,
or perhaps I shouldn’t…
No sighting of life
to bring me rushing back
No loving of vice
to lure me to crawl back
I left. Simply left. to endure,
recover, re-build, re-enter the ring.
At least I lived to fight another day.