i’m so fucking philosophical lately.. this is the problem with my life at the moment: a huge part of me has this need to analyse everything to its finest point, almost to the point that i understand what’s going on so well, that i no longer have any need to react to it all…… and another part of me just wants to get angry. somehow i feel that, because i understand i can’t validate my own anger. and i KNOW that’s wrong. it’s unhealthy. i have to keep asking myself, ‘am i letting myself get walked over, because i am compassionate enough to see the other side of the argument?’. that has always been a major problem for me… but this is barely even an argument. i realised this morning, that i almost wish the worst had happened…because then i wouldn’t have to be angry. and i feel HORRIBLE for thinking that. it’s a cruel, selfish thought. but, i don’t want to be angry… honestly, i don’t.. i don’t want to lose a friend…. but at the same time, i can’t allow myself to just push this aside…. i keep remembering the darkest moments.. and the same tears flow all over again…. once more, with feeling….
non bis in idem
