the ties that bind to sense of responsibility versus freedom.

Today can just fuck right off.

I woke up in a foul mood to start with, the kitchen was a fucking disgrace after Steve came home at midnight and made his dinner, and fell asleep on the floor.. I don’t mean to sound so bitchy towards him, cause I know he’s doing it tough right now – working like a maniac, cause shit’s going down at work that he can’t control, but has to deal with and fix. But damn, it pissed me off. I’m happy to do most of the housework and shit, but hey, he could have at least cleaned up the mess he made at midnight.

Then, this morning, he gleefully tells me that he woke up in a foul mood. Then says “Yea, I know you did too.”

It’s like I don’t even have to tell him anything. He just knows that shit. It’s fucking scary, but kinda comforting at the same time. Fucked if I can understand it, but hey, that’s just the way it is.

“You’re in so much pain aren’t you? and the thing is I sorta wish I was there.”

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I’m cracking again. Everything is getting to be too much again and I don’t know what to do with it all, or even what to start trying to sort out first. Clayton’s actions (or rather, inactions, and empty promises) are getting to me too much. I’m spending too much time alone with my own thoughts and I feel like I’m lacking input from other perspectives to be able to see anything with any sense of objectivity or clarity.

I feel like I’m depending on him too much, and I hate that. I hate that I’m doing that to him, and that I’m relinquishing my own independence and freedom. I hate that so much that it hurts. That’s the pain that he noticed. What I don’t understand is the “wish I was there” bit. I am absolutely clueless on that. If you have any ideas on that, please, by all means, point it out to me.

I hate feeling stupid and left behind, and I hate feeling tethered and bound, and I hate feeling like I’m doing that to someone else. I need to stop this shit, before it gets any further out of control.

Edit: Of course, I know I should just ask him what he meant…