gawd.. its starting again.. that sense of fascination that turns into a self fulfilling prophesy, that turns into a situation that would have been better to avoid.
i’m not making much sense. i know this. to understand it, you need to be inside my head right now, know my creasy thought patterns, know the history of my life, the way things have come about in the past, and then you might begin to understand why this pattern scares me.
i can feel myself falling for Darryl. this is not a good thing. this is very bad. because he’s technically my supervisor on the stage production, and any kind of supervisor/client kind of interraction on that level is pretty much frowned upon by the powers that be. (it’s a government funded project, sponsored by a Christian organization (i know….), and conceived and run by Darryl, Louise, and Stephen) (not the lou or steve that i usually talk about, either.)
and its getting really difficult for me to ignore. once my head starts turning somersaults like this, i have virtually no power to reign it in, much less stop it altogether.
the other bad thing about this, is that i KNOW damn well that we’d make a very bad couple. we’re totally wrong, in all the wrong ways.
i have the exact same feeling about it, that i had when i first got together with Paul. that is: “i know this is a bad idea, but i can’t resist.” (damn hormones) and we all know just HOW badly that one turned out. i want this, but i don’t. i’m scared, yet i’m excited.
regardless of all this with Darryl, i’m still loving the project itself. but the anxiety is almost overwhelming at times.
somewhere in conversation today, we meandered onto the idea of all going out somewhere sometime.. Darryl basically said that if it happened, it was not to be mentioned to either of the funding/sponsor organizations, because it would be pretty much the end of the project. the basis to this, is that the outing would not be covered within the project’s outline, and therefore, we wouldn’t be covered by the project’s insurance, AND, the potentiality of supervisor/client ‘problems’ would be more likely to crop up.. under sexual harrassment laws, the individual would get sued, as opposed to the case being handled by the sponsor organization, as it would be, if it happened within the project (on site). (breathes in)
so i’m intensely aware of the fact that the situation is vastly problematic.. question, how the hell do i get my hormones, and my brain, to shut the fuck up and let me get on with life?
he has the most amazing eyes.. a very warm brown, and almost perfect almond shape.. actually, apart from that, i don’t know what it is about him that gets to me.. its just.. there’s an energy there, that really grabs my attention.
sigh