time for an update of updates.. [excerpts from my notebook]

Wed – 4.12.02
Heaven help those who find me. Turn left at the roundabout, then take the first right, second left, and down to the T, turn right again and keep going. When you see the girl, naked, standing by the side of the road, that’s me. It’s ok, I’m just not sure what I’m doing here, how I got here, or where to go from here. Funny – I can tell you where I am, but not why.

Just a little lost and confused. Amnesiac? Enough already. I want to know the why, how & where. I have bits and pieces, but none of them add up – like having 400 jigsaw pieces, from three different 500 piece jigsaw puzzles.

Life is a jigsaw puzzle. Piece by piece, step by step, day by day…

Sat – 22.12.02
Piece by piece, a part of the puzzle has come together – with a few hassles, the occasional knife in my back, a bit of gossip, and, finally, after letting it brew for a few weeks, the truth came out of the oven.

Never say never – But I do not want to return to that. If I have my way, we will not be working with her ever again. Never.

Burn baby burn. Don’t burn your bridges, just say “thanks for everything, but we’ve found another alternative. Seeya ’round” and turn and walk away – watching each other’s backs as we go.

Change and confrontation. A few things have to change, some of them have, and others haven’t had their time yet. And what’s more – it’s my place to change them. Not because I ‘should’ but because I’m the only one who can.

Fri – 3.1.03
lovin’ & livin’ – learnin’ all the while. reflect, deflect & don’t show the scars.

I’m not living in a magazine – this is a life with no handbook, notes, or manuals, just observations.

Beauty in a fairy wing; a look from that guy with the great chest wrapped in stretch white cotton; the weeping willow above the dam; the various greens & yellows & purples of the tree tops on the ridge. This is life @ Sunnycrest.

Heartache in trying to stretch the distance between mother & child, trying trying to be adult and adult, whilst not damaging the relationship, but change fix it and all the problems within it. This too, is life @ Sunnycrest.

“All I want is the freedom to be me.” Clay (the guy in white stretch cotton) encourages this, ‘whatever’ I ‘am’ (or want to be); Mum wants me to be the version of me that she thinks I am – No room for growth, change or metamorphosis.

There are many words that heal and hurt simultaneously.
live baby live.
you live, you learn; you love, you learn.

Wed – 5.2.03
Take my time,
but it’s alright,
it’s my life
You don’t own me.

criss cross, the paths interweave
tick tock, time gets loose

simultaneously healing and hurting
– life gets loose.

When I find the one, the thing, the way,
(you know you want it)
Who’s to say,
Where it is?

“What is red?
Where is red?
What is blue?
Where is blue?”

fucked if I know.

red, blue and a kaleidoscope inbetween – a myriad of possibilities, signifiers, reasons, meanings, readings and more.