bleh.. there are so many things i have been refusing to comment on. i kinda feel like i want to talk about a few of them, but i’m not sure how much i want to say..
i’m hating art at the moment. i feel like i’m only doing it cause i have to. i said to Lou the other day “i just feel like a writer, thats where it is for me at the moment.. i don’t want to ‘give up art’ as such, but i keep thinking ‘why the fuck am i having an exhibition?’, when, for the last year i’ve been writing more than i’ve been painting” .. as for the paintings themselves, i don’t really like them, i know i can do better, i’m lacking the will to work on them, and i’m really fearing the public reception of them. i just know that there are a lot of people out there expecting something ‘grande’.. and i don’t think i can give it to them. i just don’t have it in me at the moment.
the AWOL one returned, happy, not realising that i might be upset, or angry, or or.. i dunno what he thought. i don’t know what he thinks now either. he’s gone silent on me.. i miss him. i miss the fun we used to have.
so.. somewhere between now and thursday, i have to go see the Head of my art college, and get some kind of reference letter for a funding grant that Lou is putting in; i have to install these god awful paintings on wednesday; the open night is friday night; saturday morning, Lou and i have a major presentation to artbeat’s parent company; sunday, i have to spend with my sister and the kids (i didn’t get to see my nephew today, it was his b’day. yes, i spoke to him on the phone this morning. yes, he was upset that his favourite aunty wasn’t coming for this b’day. i know. i’m a bad person.) monday, i get to go have ultrasounds and what. tuesday, back to the doctor. ohh joy. what a week. yup. can’t wait.
kill me. please.
and people ask why i’m up at 5am, writing an entry for this thing. i can’t sleep. sleep is virtually impossible. (haha, no pun intended.) no, its got nothing to do with the 5 cups of coffee i’ve had since 7 pm.. its got nothing to do with the fact that i got home at 2am last night, and didnt get to sleep until 6am. (couldn’t sleep, so i got online for a bit, tried to sleep again, failed, so i started painting..)
i’m almost scared to sleep.. the dream i had yesterday was weird .. i was part of a team of super-heroes, we were flying these star wars’ish pod things… but it was set over Sydney harbour… we had to rescue a heap of people from this ‘island’ in the harbour, that was actually a skyscraper, that had no walls on one side.. so we had to fly in through the windows.. tricky maneuvering and what.. i was having trouble getting used to the controls of the pod..
its rare that i dream i’m a pilot of any kind.. if i fly in dreams, its usually me thats flying.. Superman-style.. hahaha, i just remembered another flying dream i once had.. this one is from 1995.. it was set in the yard of my grandmother’s house, except there were two mini-castles there.. one was almost in ruins, the other was in perfect condition.. i was on the old one, and i flew off, circling the other one.. i tried to land on it, but….. there was this mini hippopotamus on there, that kept booting me off.. it’d head butt me, whenever i got too close…
the super-hero thing is odd though.. it seems vastly out of place with my life at the moment… if anything i need to be rescued.. i’m in no position to go save someone else.. though what does make sense is that sense of being ‘out of control’….