dystopia . don’t show me this . don’t feel this . don’t touch me . don’t watch this . don’t try this at home . don’t make me explain this . don’t hear this .
i can’t escape this . i can’t describe this . i can’t hope for this . i can’t make this happen . i can’t make this go away . i can’t solve this . i can’t wait for this . i can’t feel this .
i don’t want this . i don’t know what i want . i don’t feel anything . i feel no.thing . there is some.thing . i want no.thing . i want some.thing .
I X O H
X H I O
I X H O H O I X
I H O X X O H I O X H I
I H X O H X O I H O X I O H I X
I O H X X O I H O I H X X H O I H I X O
I O X H H X I O O X I H H I O X O H X I O I X H X I O H
I X O H are letters noted for horizontal and vertical symmetry
IXOH was a closed community, where members could post anything their little hearts desire, especially anything that results in representations of emotional and visual symmetry : via visual images or typography.
Lead me down the garden path
Let me believe that it’s all ok
Dream of escape with intent to elucidate
But the key remains unconscious.
Foolish things and heartbreak
Collide in drunken rambling
Long forgotten hidden never to surface
Under daylight’s hurtful glow.
“You’re from the heart, and so happy”
“I have my moments” but true I was
but few can know how hard that makes
this ever increasing daily show.
Exhibitionist avatar
Intellectualized introvert
Compromised hurled aside
Never before and never more
Turn around and begin again
Painful wrench of soul and then…
Tears fall opposing the fear the waste the love the hate the grief the relief
It’s all a relief the outpouring the ability the opening the return the mess the pain
But none more so that the wonder the curiosity the hope the healing the… the… contact.
Dramatic turn of faith and then…
we play HE SAID; SHE SAID:
HE SAID: So how are you going?
SHE SAID: Oh, you know, round in circles.
HE SAID: Well, it is said to be a spiral, but is it expanding or collapsing?
SHE SAID: Both.
HE SAID: Ahaa!
I feel hypocrisized. The difference between being true to heart and the desire to Not Hurt Others.
Take my time,
but it’s alright,
it’s my life
You don’t own me.
criss cross, the paths interweave
tick tock, time gets loose
simultaneously healing and hurting
– life gets loose.
When I find the one, the thing, the way,
(you know you want it)
Who’s to say,
Where it is?
“What is red?
Where is red?
What is blue?
Where is blue?”
fucked if I know.
red, blue and a kaleidoscope inbetween – a myriad of possibilities, signifiers, reasons, meanings, readings and more.
Dream it, do it, see it. Find the action, frame it, film it, cut it, play it. It’s all a celluloid dream. Do I love what I do? Nothing lights my fire like the silver screen. It’s not just a video, it’s a world. Zoom out. Cut. That’s a wrap. Fade out. Roll credits.
Instant replay, preview and telecast. The master edit is the icon of the holy grail.
1 Internal, hospital room night 1
McKenzie is dressed in pyjamas, Harvey in light coloured casual pants and shirt. They both look a little rough, having been inside for a day or so. McKenzie is shot over her left shoulder, Harvey over his right shoulder, tight shot looking at the reflection of the character staring into a mirror, with no sign of anyone else in the background. Shots are edited at each line, to the corresponding character.
wrote this in a note book, Thursday, 29th November, can’t remember the time..
washing the self of tide and time,
wandering listless, naked and profane,
obtuse, acute, resolute, ardent and arduous,
I’m everything and nothing,
part and parcel, and yet, left behind..
beg, borrow, steal,
it’s all the same to me.
I’m everything and nothing to me.
scrawled in a notebook, 2am last night, attempting to get over the last of the filming..
ebola. (take me on, take me down).(pandora’s box).
Take me to an ugly place,
let me be your one disgrace.
Time flies and you mix and mingle,
lost and yet, not even single.
I’m blessed but tempted,
hiding somewhere,
shuddering, shaking,
fearing, nearing,
can’t stop hearing,
open season,
haunted, hunted,
ghosts and demons,
found. confronted.
open up and let in the thieves,
let them take their piece of the pie,
when the remainder isn’t enough
put yourself back together,
a frankenstein of fragments,
no longer knowing remembering recognising the original..
i was going to post something wildly ambiguously esoteric about my fabulous weekend, but i got half way through writing it, and between ISP and computer fucking up, i lost it, so i’m going to post this instead (it’s a character exposition for my character in the stage play) :
losing touch while sitting solid. knowing nothing changes, wanting change yet fearing it. want what i had.
mum, dad, two kids, happy.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
me, him, two kids, dog, picket fence, country garden, outer city suburb.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
can’t let go. too safe, too secure, too insecure.
need my rock to cling to.
this is not a rock, it’s an anchor, an anchor that swings, unhooked, unhinged, unable.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
come, go, arrive, leave.
go nowhere, get nothing, do nothing, be no-one.
hide, find, lose, regret.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
forward, back, shuffle, repeat.
though, i should say, i had a good weekend 🙂
fever, head, thumping.
body, joints, aching.
mind, racing, remembering.
touch, knowledge, lost.
heart, sinking.
feeling, hurt, lost, wondering, jealous, not knowing, wanting.
why?
dunno,
dunno,
dunno..
dot dot who’s there dot dot = knock knock= knock knock jokes and dont ask me why i thought of that i could nt rember a knowck nock joke even lol.. i’m at my best when i’m tired…. uhh.. sweet and sour pork. thats it.. yup. fish. that’s where it’s at. atleasti’mnottypinglikethis.. man.. you’re fast.. I’m going to sodomize the FUCK out of that bug.. I put a video camera in my pants and it tells me everything.. Freud would have a hardon over you.. magic wang..? we could just have sex if you want.. I wanted to put him in my pocket and take him home… if i actually paid you for this, i’d be very disappointed.. you there! with that fish! stop that! I’m fighting dinosaurs right now.. they give me oodles of experience. This bunny is all tuckered out… I could probably do more if I had more RAM… you’ve got a strange duck, ma’am.. That fat mexican used my ball.. Using box cutters and duct tape… sorry, just what came out when I hit the keyboard..
a little birdie came to me
wanted to know if i could see
the fire in my eyes
if i knew i would have said
but it had just snuck on me
so i asked him what he meant
“the fire rages deep within
there’s no denying reality
even if you fail to see”
(s’ok, i’m not turning into a pyromaniac, nor have i hurt myself.)
itamu
to be damaged; to go bad
itamu
to hurt; to feel a pain; to be injured
itamu
to grieve over; to mourn; to lament
early winter morning
clear crisp light
drags me into the fray
a wind that
washes feeling away
weak blue overhead
words ebb and flow
none help ease the pain
language is useless
when my heart is
breaking under the strain..
Silent tears.
A lonely face.
A hidden fear, not easily traced.
A silent voice.
A faceless face.
An empty body.
An eternal chase.
A repeated nightmare.
A sleepless night.
A pillow hugged – so very tight.
Wide eyes.
Nothing within.
A single tear running thin.
“A mystery wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a parcel of fish and chips wrapped inside a great dark thing.”
aphrodisiacs like you.. need to see you more.. need to have you again..
for my sanity i need your touch.. the touch of your voice.. of your words.. of you..
the softest touch.
i’ve missed you for so long.. longer than i ever knew..
until i met you.. the one who has been missing all my life..
i want you back.. i want you now.. wanting more..
never getting it.. never getting it together.. never getting what i want..
because i feel i know you..
but i know i don’t.. i know there is so much i don’t know..
i want to know it all.. i think i know it all.. i know i don’t.. i don’t know..
the very personal ones never get published… usually i feel i have to work them though as if they were for ‘publication’ though… helps me to move things along in my practice..
but i feel i know you so well
my freak of the week
and i want my freak.. i want him i want him here.. i want him now
i crave his voice and i crave his touch
and he comes and goes and he comes back again
and he is gone yet again.. i wait.. wanting more.. never getting it.. never getting it together never getting what i want
a letter.. a phone call.. a message anything.. i need to hear from you
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)
aphrodisiacs like you.. need to see you more.. need to have you again
a letter.. a phone call .. a message anything.. i need to hear from you
for my sanity i need your touch.. the touch of your voice.. of your words.. of you
the softest touch
i’ve missed you for so long.. longer than i ever knew.. until i met you
the one who has been missing all my life.. i want you back.. i want you now..
i want you always
because i feel i know you
but i know i don’t.. i know there is so much i don’t know
i want to know it all.. i think i know it all.. i know i don’t.. i don’t know
but i feel i know you so well
my freak of the week
an i want my freak.. i want him i want him here.. i want him now
i crave his voice and i crave his touch
and he comes and goes and he comes back again
and he is gone yet again.. i wait.. wanting more.. never getting it.. never getting it together never getting what i want
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)
if i can ask one more question
if I have to ask one more question
if i have to ask one more time
if i have to find out anything else
if i need to know anything else
if i can find out more
if i find out too much
if i want to know more
if i need to know more
if i like what i find
if i find what i like
if i want what i like
if i want what i know
if i know what like
if i know what i want
if i knew what i got
if i got what i want
if i like what i got
if i like what i have
if i have what i got
if i have what i like
if i don’t get what i like
if i don’t like what i got
if i don’t have what i like
if i like what i don’t have
if i don’t have what i want
if i want what i don’t have
if i can’t have what i want
if i can’t have you
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)
man, i am an incurable flirt
i cannot resist the opportunity
a crude, rude freak
chasing you over the net til 4 in the morning
chasing or being chased?
enjoying every minute of it
wanting more and more
laughing at you and at me
i’m stoned and you are getting confused
i’m flirting and so are you
i’m getting turned on and you..
…i don’t know about you
you are talking about sex
i am talking about me
i’m wondering if that is deliberate
now you want to know it all
i think you may already know it
but do you want to ask?
revealing too much? no, i don’t think so
but i’ll flirt some more, and some more…and then…
i’ll flirt some more!
(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)