Chats

it was so fantastic
it was the closest we’ve gotten
it has no name
this thing we have
its a thing is all
just wondering is all
just sounded cool is all

my heart sinks
stuck in my throat sinking choking
i have no control
this is spiralling up down out of control
i can’t even name it
this thing that we have

(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)

almost anything i say, and everything i do…
almost any other day and any other you
if i were to go.. if i were to do.. if i were to listen to you..
i never want to go..cause i’m never seen with you
 
 
 
 
i want to go.. i want to know.. i want to know what is going on

(actual date unknown – approx June 2001)

[my evil twin] [you are the one] [i am missing you]

a message for you

words words words and more words

i wait for your words,
i wait on your words,
i read the words,
i believe the words,
the words give me strength,
the words give me hope,
they are those kinds of words,

those kinds of words,
words that mean more than they say,
they mean nothing,
nothing to anyone,
anyone but me,
me and my thoughts,
thoughts about words,
words that make me think about you.

(actual date unknown – approx Jun 2001)

tactics/game-plan…
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
you’ve sunk my battleship,
I’ve captured your knights…
 
              checkmate…
 
 
                      your move…
 
 
 
(actual date unknown – approx nov 98)

empty facets of
cold information

(foresight)

her empty, damaged heart.cold.

please hesitate from action…

Don’t make me play your games…
if I don’t know the rules
I won’t want to play.

(actual date unknown – approx oct 98)

historical disillusionment
pensive purgatory
perennial denial of accountability

Acute abrasion of inclination

(actual date unknown – approx oct 98)

“Animus;
Retribution;
Mania;
Penchant;
Contingency”
 
 
 
     Absolve Thyself
 
          retrospective thought leaves me cold;
 
     Cover me, I’m going in…
 
 
 
(actual date unknown – approx oct 98)

ANIMUS

violent hatred; ill will; active dislike or enmity; animosity.

RETRIBUTION

recompense for evil or rarely for good done; vengeance; requital.

MANIA

mental disorder characterised by extremes of joy or rage; uncontrolled, often violent activity, extravagant and irregular speech etc., often followed by depression; an unusual fondness or craze.

PENCHANT

a strong taste or liking; inclination.

CONTINGENCY

uncertainty of occurrence; chance occurrence; thing that may happen hereafter; thing dependent on an uncertain event; thing incidental to incidental expense etc.

animalistic acts of retribution;
initiation to enticement;
circumstantial foundations to desire.

(actual date unknown – approx oct 98)

Like days spent on ice skates

Can you dance
to someone else’s tune?

Should you change your standards for pleasure?

Should you be attracted to something
because it’s there?

Please don’t shoot
the messenger

I plunder with thee

Sometimes you just can’t
help who you
fall in love with

To see the past in
terms of
PAST

Do I need tools to play?

I’m willing to play,
as long as you don’t go
changin’ the rules on me.

It’s my bat and ball
and I make the rules.

If you try and change the rules,
I’ll take my bat and ball and go home.

Absolute Resolute
Solvent
Negligent
Diligent
(Siligent)
 
 
 
 
Sometimes you just can’t help who
 you fall I love with.
 
 
 
 
How much can she stand?
How much can she compromise away?
     should she lower/change her standards
          for pleasure?
          for love?
 
                                                  mindgames
                                                  drawing me in
                                                  (play with me) (please)
                                                  (I expect it)
                                        Begging Pleading Desperate to Play
 
 
 
Tools? Do I need tools to play?
     Skills?
     Knowledge?
 
 
 
                              You ask her where she has been –
                              but do you really want to know?
                              her secrets
                              her evil (hidden in the backblocks of
                              her psyche)

               Subjective vision
                                   of subjective experience.
 
 
 
 
her eyes caress
     the crevices of the world
          as she experiences it;
          as she lusts for it to be;
 
 
sites of existence
possibilities of experience
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Attempts made to bend my reality…
 
 
(actual date unknown – approx sept 98)

contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution; stalemate; hesitation; questionable intentions; judgement; hesitation; contingency; uncertainty of intention; chance occurrence? uncontrollable repetition of retribution;

(actual date unknown – approx sept 98)

Squares. Pink squares. Pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by black. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin imperfect black line. Squares. Pink squares. Pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by black. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin imperfect black line. Squares. Pink squares. Pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by black. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin imperfect black line. Squares. Pink squares. Pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by black. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin imperfect black line. Squares. Pink squares. Pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by black. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin imperfect black line. Squares. Pink squares. Pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by black. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin black line. Chalky pink patterned squares on green squares defined by a thin imperfect black line.

     Nestling
 
          Nuzzling
               wondering if someone knows me well enough
               highlighting certain aspects of structure
 
     (personality or memory or hierarch or language or otherwise)
 
 
 
 
 
     Ravishing
 
          Raiding
 
being told where to be, when, what to bring, what to think about before I get there – everything bar what to wear
 
 
 
     one more step, (come on I dare you) and you’re over the line
          – everything changes (for better or worse) forever more
 
(I should never say never – I often have to eat my words)

VICIOUS ENDSIGNS OF CONDUCT:
(termination of depravity)
relaxation of domination-
 
 
     CASUAL
     INCIDENTAL
OBJECTIVE
EXTRANEOUS
CONTINGENT
FORTUITOUS
VAGUE
AMBIGUOUS
EVASIVE
 
 
VIOLATION OF SUSTAINATIVE ACTIONS

The life and times of the Glorious Amber Green!
 
 
Amber Green
Ambiguity
Aubergine
 
LIVID
VIVID
 
Welcome Amber Green!
Conception
Production
Evolution
memories of
                 eggnog and fairy lights
                 windpipes and taillights
 
now she just wears black tights
 
     from fighting her arch-enemy in her school uniform
     to arching her back in a short nurse’s uniform
 
               AMBER GREEN!