Chats

Choices or lack of choices

Regardless of
     needs
     wants
     desires
     fantasy

fantasy

fantasy

The tears well up –
     Not allowed past the lashed barrier wall –
Just like she is not allowed out
     The creatures of the world might affect her –
     The poor sensitive little thing she is. Fragile.
     That’s it. Fragile.
 
FRAGILE. This way up. Packed in polystyrene wrapping
PROTECTED HIDDEN LOCKED AWAY TRAPPED NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN
 
          Resist
          Fight
          Force
          Defend
 
     What more can she do?
 
 
She can come out,
     but she needs her protection guaranteed.
 
 
“Come out
     Come out
          Where ever you are!”
 
 

aching,
needing more and needing none.

feeling the emptiness of the cold dark sky
    wishing the past different
and depending on the future bright.

The night brings memories she cannot hide
(not for a lack of trying)
if hell was this bad
she would repent her every sin.

Losing the light
reason leaves me

[darkness] envelops me
hiding the fears
inherent, imminent

irrational
divisional
regardless-

Continual.

Anger subsides,
Love derides,
(haven’t you found a place to hide?)

You believe,
You can conceive,
A place where you belong to me.

Dream state,
Lying awake,
(feeling like you give to take).

Hell bent,
I meant
To take you where I went.

Left it too long,
Got it all wrong,
(had to wait for you to come along).

Face down,
On the ground,
Still trying to come around…

Tease
Promise
Threaten
 
 
                   it’s all the same thing to you.
 
 
 
 
         sexy chic.
 
 
                  call it what you like
 
 
                  diversionary tactics required
                  (how do you distract an adult male
                    with an erection?)
 
                        Change the subject –
                    has that ever worked?
 
                           Doubtful.
 
 
         Star Quality
 
 
                                 is May the month of love, lust
or
                                      animal passion?

The Subject:
There without stood Hiawatha
Truth loves open dealing
Reading maketh a full man.
He stayed not for brake
Who goes round my house this night?
The mighty ruled with an iron rod
The weakest goes to the wall
The many rend the air with loud applause.
To assert is not to prove
She opened, but to shut excelled her power.
Slow and steady wins the race
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy
To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first
Walking up the hill made us somewhat breathless.
To see the world so full of shame and wrong
Fretteth my spirit in its house of clay.
 
 
 
 
The Object:
Christabel the lamp will trim
Whispering tongues can poison truth
Every why hath a wherefore
He likes cycling.
Me damp horror chilled
Whom have we here?
The overthrown he raised
Help the helpless.
The rabble rout forebore to shout
Spare not to spur, nor stint to ride.
Now or never! he shouted
My bonds forebade to lose my hold
Far other aims his heart had learnt to prize.

Flat          empty          lifeless          beautiful          listless
lustful
loved
     (from afar)
    (a classic cliche)
 
 
 
 
 
life giving force
           a familiar face
 
 
empty stretched to the limit and loving
everyminuteofit.
loving everyminuteofit.
loving everyminuteofit.
loving everyminuteofit.
       trumpets trombones tubas blare
the theme from our house
with flair.
 
 
Dusky dull colourless life
imitating     intimidating     intimacy,     and     longing     for     lascivious     lustful     activity.
 
“Right her right now you and me baby lets go”
 
“what, now?”
 
“yeah, let’s go.”
limitless litany vicious virility
Anti-hysterical droning
Anti-historical zoning
 
 
 
 
“Concrete associations”

Relentless rationalising
Absolute?
Contrived?
Fashioned?
Molded?
 
Haphazard placement of objectivity and subject.

     Absence / Presence
 
          diminish
 
          leveling
          stacking
          layering
          spread
 
 
  DEPTH     of hatred, longing, and
 
     antagonistic desire
     Angelic requirements.

Colour and shape
depth and solidity
harmony and symmetry
 
 
          desperately seeking wanting needing
          the harmony lacking ‘in situ’
 
 
 
Continually layering – always making you look through
     trying to see that which is hidden – the final layer
               “The True Self”
     (resurgence of previous conceptual basis –
     strange how one thing comes back
     again and again and again)
 
 
     DEPTH – pulls you in. like the depth of the
          water pulling in the suicidal maniac
          The RED (solid, deep, desirable)
 
 SHAPE – why square?     equality of sides = harmony and symmetry

I FEEL
       queasy.
       the things I have not said, not done,
       the tears I have not cried

    Aching
 
 
        (dreaming of things I can’t have)
 
 
        Wanting
        (Oh my god I have to have that/him/her/it/them)
 
 
 
                regret
            (I should have)
 
 
 
    pure animal desire
        (a phrase I learnt from TV – strange how things you learn
            at ten apply at strange times)
 
 
            regret
            (lowest common denominator)

“absent
 
     missing in action,
          believed loveless.”
 
     Dreaming of the impossible
     Fearing the likely
 
     Her only life raft
          she refused to grab
     Throwing herself on the fire
          to prove she can burn
 
     You think,
     You believe,
     You check,
          but then she ‘doubles back’ and proves you wrong
          isolates herself when she needs company
 
 
     stranded
          if you would ring to check how I am
          not just when you want something from me.
          or when you think I should be there because it’s
               ‘a family thing’
 
     You don’t know how I bleed
          from the memory of how things were…
               Knowing it will never be the same.

WANTED to say it, couldn’t, held it, swallowed it, denied it, bottled it, internalised it.

TO see you there hurts, it’s on your terms, not mine.

LOVE the way I give in to you. I deny that I ever will, but I always do.

YOU call me when you want something from me, not when you have something to say.

Hanging     lifeless     vagrant     lovelorn
dreaming     wishing     hoping     fawning     crying
 
 
 
 
.regret.
 
 
     if
ONLY     I had known then…
 
 
but that is how it goes I spose.
 
 
but then I can’t really say that I even know now –
the story is missing some pages.
 
 
 
     if
ONLY     I knew now…
because I would have,     I could have,     I should have,
 
I didn’t.
 
 
 
Stupid,     Careless,     Fearful,     and the list goes on . …
 
relentless repetition of the action of denial.

The sunlight flooded her psyche, warming her, reminding her that warmth and love are still possible in this lifetime, instead of reminding her of how cold some parts of her soul were. At this moment she is full of the possibilities and warmth and kindness that floods her life.

Light
Life
Hope

Wish
Dream

Crazy
King
Jester

Aching
     longing for things to change
Yet a paradox presents itself…
     can I fear that which I yearn for?
 
The intent,
The descent
          prevents me from
          continuing along this path
of complete and compromising change.

laughing,
whole fights,
night lights
on
so I
can
Sleep
Soundly
leaving
the
night life,
avoiding the
bright sight