it’s odd for me to update my diary when i’m in this sort of mood.. i got the hint today.. i think.. well, i’ve been grinning about it ever since.. i wasn’t even here for it…. when i heard what had happened, my heart flipped, my mind somersaulted, and i almost skipped through the rest of the day… hehehe, i’m so girly at the moment, i don’t know what to do with myself.. so (prepare for much shuddering, people) i went clothes shopping, came home, played with my make up, daydreamed for a while, then started drinking.. i’m delirious. i nearly bought myself flowers( 😀 be happy for me, i still love you guys just as much as i used to, if not more. what the hell, share the love. there’s plenty to go ’round)
but, i can’t help thinking that i’m overreacting, i’m reading too much into it, i’m over-analysing things.. it’s my usual distrust of my ability to read people.. i always worry that i’m reading things wrong, i’m dreaming too much, that i’m wanting it too much.. and DAMN i want this. i can’t remember a time when i have wanted something this much. and that scares me, because i know i shouldn’t let my heart run away like this, because i don’t want to let myself down, if i’m wrong..
i also don’t want to let myself believe that i’m wrong. i want so much to believe whole heartedly that this WILL HAPPEN. but self doubt and insecurity are good friends with over-confidence and dreaming..
actually, i got a little hint yesterday, too.. after we had just wrapped up the shoot for the day, i lay down on the park bench, and he was wildy panning the camera around, getting people to play up to the camera, and then when he got to me, he paused, i think he was zooming in, for what seemed the longest time, but maybe the moment was just playing in slow-motion because i knew he was watching me.. and i wanted it to last longer than i knew it would…
as Lou said to me today.. “You’re getting keen…” well Lou, yes, i am. very. and i love it 😀
seriously, as odd as it seems, i love the daydreams, the grinning, the skipping heart.. maybe emode.com was right.. maybe i am more than a little romantic at heart. maybe i just hide that from the world, so that i don’t get hurt as easily or as often. so that i can laugh off, and even go along with the jibes, the torment, the insults, the heartbreak that used to hit me when i was a kid..
have i really locked myself off THAT much? have i hidden my inner self so much, that I don’t even recognise it any more? i ask myself this, because i don’t remember ever feeling this way.. in the build up towards previous relationships, i remember being far more calculating, more logical, more acute. but this time.. i can’t think because my head is spinning so much. i don’t know where this might lead, and i don’t care.. well, i do, but i don’t.. does that make sense?
i think i mean that i don’t care, because anywhere would be good with him…..
till tomorrow comes..
angie..