i lack “whee’ness”.. or something.. not sure what’s wrong.. just a bit blarghed out from the last few days, i guess. apart from starting work on the stage production (which in itself, was an exhausting process), i’ve been:
- making plans to visit my parents;
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finding out that my uncle has been in hospital twice over the last 2 weeks, but is now home and recovering (he had a prostate blockage, caused by a previously undiagnosed diabetes problem, which all resulted in surgery, and now tablets and a diet to control the diabetes);
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confronting lou about the socialist manifesto she wrote (which, she says, she “didn’t mean to sound like that”, “that’s not what i was trying to say at all. i’d only written that about an hour before the meeting, and i haven’t gone back to read over it.” “uuhh.. if you’re going to send something out, make sure you read over it first.. better yet, get someone else to read over it, and give you an objective interpretation of it.” so, the base line there is, i haven’t resigned or anything, but i’m waiting on the re-write, to see if i agree with what she is trying to say. if i still disagree, i’m outta there, baby.)
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a long stint as aunty-angel/shoulder-to-cry-on for M. that was good though.. apart from (i hope) helping him though this (i won’t go into it, its his story to tell), it/he made me realise a few things about myself.. talking to duck about it all really helped me as well. he made me realise that maybe, just maybe, i’m not quite as bad as i sometimes think i am (he worded it far more emphatically than that, but i’m on a low, and can’t be convinced that i’m not a pathetic, cowardly, bitch from hell).. i mean to say, that the fact that i have feelings of guilt about what happened with Paul, sets me out from the rest of the world.. which, i guess is true.. and while it does make me feel better, it doesn’t change the fact of what happened, and it doesn’t give me a way to solve the problem.. its a complex situation.. and in an ordinary situation (as M said) i could talk to him about it, but i can’t do that, because i don’t want to give him the impression that i want him back.. which would only start the stalking again. whee. so i live with the guilt? oh joy.
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avoiding the redesign of angelish (which will, eventually, apply to both the diary, and the 9ug site);
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avoiding the design of encrypt;
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avoiding the text animation for the artbeat show;
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avoiding working on writing the film;
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sleeping.
i’ve been lacking the will (or even, the ability) to write anything.. that ‘anything’ covers this diary, the film, the interview i’m supposed to do with Archie tonight… uh, i know there’s more, but i can’t think. i’m just too tired to think properly. i don’t think i’ve woken up properly today. one good thing, i got about 13 hours sleep last night. woo! go me! i know i had (yet another) crazy dream, but i can’t recall it. it left me as soon as i realised i was awake again. that’s probably a good thing…