words are not enough

Ohkay…We returns, preciousss..

Whilst we’re on nerdy little topics..

So anyway, what’s been going on…

• Christmas was… not specifically enjoyable, but fine. I miss my family. Other people’s families are fun, but not especially meaningful for me to spend that much time with.
• New years was specifically enjoyable, but not brilliant. Had fun with Steve & a few others.
• I’m back at work, and not specifically enjoying it.
• I’m currently bored, and not specifically enjoying it.
• I will go see granddad tomorrow, & I doubt I will specifically enjoy that. I never do, it’s so difficult to watch him decline.
• I need to start going back to gym, even though I don’t specifically enjoy it.
• It’s raining, and I feel like going & standing in it. No particular reason, I just feel like I might enjoy it.. (specifically).
• There is nothing specifically enjoyable on TV.
• It’s somewhere around 11pm and I am drinking coffee. I am specifically enjoying this.

There is something/nothing bothering me, it is known/unknown, and seen/unseen. Can I just say that I am restless&lethargic, worried&content, and nostalgic&hopeful..? Would that be ok with everyone? I’m getting used to people objecting to how I feel lately… But then, I object to how I feel, so who am I to judge them..?

gah. fuckers. There’s an undercurrent of sublime control with certain people, and I’m not specifically enjoying it. I am not comfortable with people doing this. Especially not these people. They don’t have the right, really. They haven’t really proved any sense of trust, or, or ‘worth’… by that I mean, would it be ‘worth’ my while to submit… or am I better off to follow my nose, or even simpler, just go elsewhere. I guess they just haven’t convinced me that it is worthwhile following their lead, and they are trying to lead me (in different directions, no less).

I naturally tend to reject all attempts to control me. Especially from those whom I consider to be close. I see it as an assassination attempt of sorts on my freedom. Liberté! I get to this point every-so-often, where I start to reject those around me who seem to have come too-close to the ‘truth’. Vérité! There seems to be too few individuals who truly and simply allow a person to ‘be’. Especially around me.

Am I wrong for simply asking to be accepted as I am? In theory, I say no. Never. One should never be forced, or more accurately (in this case), manipulated into change to suit another person.

Here’s a metaphor: As an artist, I’m being asked to paint a blue canvas, but I don’t feel like I’m ready for blue. I’m still in my red phase. At the same time, I’m being coerced into painting a purple canvas. And an orange one. Would it be worth painting a damn blue/purple/orange canvas just to get them to shut-the-goddamn-hell-up and leave me be/go back to painting red ones?

Unfortunately, it’s not-quite-so-simple.

Forgive me if I do not make sense. Imagine me babbling to myself in the corner as I absent-mindedly fiddle with a paperclip, as my coffee goes cold…