some would say that the world is about to end.. yes. fear this day. remember it. what happened? i watched the Matrix tonight.
i’m sitting here, staring at my screen, and i’m thinking about everything that happened today.. we made a lot of progress today.. programmers and java and servers, oh my!
but there was one moment that i’m stuck on: i was buzzing, i was shaking, i was sitting in disbelief, staring at my screen, thinking ‘…what….could…this…mean..?’ then it happened: “don’t worry, i’m not skeptical about such things”.. it was said, with intent..
i was shaking, physically, and i guess, verbally, and those words were meant to calm me down somewhat (now that is someone that can read between the lines).. and it wasnt the words, but my realisation of their intention, that helped me to relax…
every time it happens, i go right back the the first time. my mind buzzes, thinking about the potential consequences, the possibile outcomes, the action i can take to stop it, or help, or cope with, whatever it is. the same reality hits me every time. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know if i want to do anything, i don’t know how to cope. that’s where i fall, stop, take stock, realise there is so much i know but cannot control. and that lack of control scares me. this is so far beyond my control, and always has been. my fear of it, is based in previous experience, and i dread being put in the same situation.. and while i realise that nothing bad has happened this time.. the fact that i am right again, re-affirms that i was right the first time, and every other time, and that re-affirms my guilt about my lack of action. i feel responsible for joanne’s fate. i know that sounds rediculous, and i couldn’t have changed what was going on, but i could have helped her through it, i could have talked her into going to the authorities sooner, but i didn’t. and every time i face that situation again, it scares the hell out of me. i dont want that much responsibility. every time i’m right, i realise how much of a coward i am.